Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

So many of us who are stuck in the fawn response never learned the value of boundaries because, as we were growing up, there was no distinction between our outer and inner worlds. Fawners don’t know how to set boundaries because we learned that in order to receive love, we have to do more, give more. So we say yes to everything. When we are adults, this means overextending ourselves; feeling resentful; not knowing who we are and what we need, like, and prefer; and neglecting ourselves over the long term for the short-term safety of pleasing someone else.

being compassionate doesn’t mean always being “nice.”

Remember that behind perfectionism is a part of you that is terrified of being seen, perceived, criticized, and rejected, as well as terrified of letting someone down or being seen as anything but perfect.

mourning the familial relationships I’ll never have, my heart’s been cracked open to let in the friends and family I do have. This doesn’t erase the grief. Yet it’s easy to overlook those who are in our support system by focusing on those who aren’t there. We can put our attention on those who are present with us instead of on those who can’t be what we need.

What did you love to do before you were conditioned to believe that for you to do anything, you needed to be perfect at it?