Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

you can’t control other people’s perceptions of you.

People will judge you, misunderstand you, and hold perceptions of you that you don’t agree with. That’s okay.

As you heal your fawn response, there will be people who will dislike you.

You’ll know who feeds your energy and who sucks energy out of you.

When someone doesn’t like you, instead of asking, What should I do to make them like me? you can instead ask, How can I soothe myself through the discomfort of them not liking me? What do I need to be okay?

You can’t control how others perceive you, but you can manage how much mental space you give their perceptions. You can’t control other people’s behaviors, but you can control your decision to tolerate them or not.

deep fear that she will be perceived as weird, that people will forget about her, that she’ll be irrelevant and get left alone, because this was her experience when she was a kid.

To prevent herself from feeling socially anxious, she would isolate herself, which would then prove to that anxious part of her, You’re right! Life is terrifying! You win: let’s stay inside.

they did judge her, and she survived it.

seeing that the adult version of abandonment (e.g., someone doesn’t like you) has happened and you’re still breathing.

I know I’m worthy of being loved and respected in a relationship. Let’s find people who know that, too.

Do you even like the person you’re seeking approval from?

Does your body tense up when that hot-and-cold friend just “likes” your message but you’re totally fine when your steady best friend does the same thing?

Take inventory of whom you feel emotionally safe with and use that feeling to guide you in determining which relationships you want to invest in.

Not taking things personally doesn’t mean accepting whatever people say and letting it slide in any relationship.

When we can see that nothing is personal, we can divert energy away from thoughts such as What is wrong with me to cause them to say this? and shift it to Do I like how this person makes me feel?

When things aren’t going well, it will pass. And when things are going well, it will pass.

We can Notice when we take something personally and see where the mind starts going with it, the stories it starts sucking us into:

Invite this scared part of ourselves to stay, saying, You’re allowed to be here, knowing that fighting those thoughts won’t make them go away.

We can then get Curious about the story the mind is creating:

We can then Embrace this part of ourselves: I know this is uncomfortable. You’re safe. We’re going to move through this together.

We can then Return to what’s real and true right now as a way to get out of the mind’s stories and into the present.

protects you in a way?” I ask Evelyn. Evelyn’s main reason for coming to therapy was to work through relationship anxiety. She keeps most friends at a safe distance, scared of what could happen if they get too close.

“I just feel like I avoid getting too close to people so that we can’t get into an argument. If we aren’t that close, there can’t be any disagreements. And that feels safer. But then it feels terrible when I realize no one really knows me.”

healing happens when we can form relationships that are safe and supportive and reveal the messy parts of ourselves.

The greatest irony is that in an attempt to avoid conflict and keep the peace, we create so much more tension within ourselves.

As we continue to show the scared, protective parts of ourselves that we can have an uncomfortable conversation and still be safe, conflict will start to feel safer.

If you are safe and avoiding discomfort, ask: Whose discomfort am I avoiding? Is it someone else’s or my own or both?

If you don’t address this, how will you likely feel about this situation tomorrow, next week, or in the long term? Will avoiding conflict change how you feel about it in the future? 5. Will avoidance prolong suffering?

I would say yes when I wanted to say no, because admitting that I had needs felt too embarrassing or made me seem too needy.

would change my opinion to match what the other person thought so that our conversation wouldn’t make them think I disagreed with them. I ignored things that bothered me because I thought addressing something after it had happened would mean that I couldn’t let it go and that I was being too sensitive.

Don’t talk about it. Pretend it never happened.

“It’s totally fine!” “OMG, I’m sorry!” “No worries!” I didn’t know there was another way.

you’re about to overexplain yourself because you didn’t get the laugh you were hoping for, then it’s time to pause.

Mantras to soothe the protective part of you during conflict: I’m safe. I know this is uncomfortable. We can survive discomfort. Conflict can feel scary sometimes, but I’m here with you. I’m the parent now and I’ll take care of you through this.

Your needs aren’t a burden. It’s safe to express your emotions. Thank you for trying to protect me. This is a safe situation.

(1) how she felt was not a priority, and (2) her emotions stressed people out and caused conflict, which felt scary.

she thinks her emotions aren’t worth being acknowledged, that they are “too much,” that she’s being dramatic when she feels them.

When we’re in a fawn response, the fearful part of us chooses dishonest harmony over deep, authentic connection.

Real connection requires letting ourselves be seen and sometimes giving or receiving feedback that’s hard to hear.

Admitting that there is something you don’t see eye to eye on means confronting the fear that the other person will leave or think of you differently.

When we can practice tolerating the discomfort of our emotions and remembering that external events are not reflections of our worth, lovability, or inherent goodness, conflict becomes less scary.

it’s about avoiding the uncomfortable questions that arise when doing the task: Am I good enough? Am I a phony? Do they think I’m stupid?

Acknowledging conflict after the fact as a way to communicate to the other person “Your feelings and needs matter to me.”

Allowing yourself to revisit a conversation that has “passed” because it keeps coming up internally. Taking accountability for your mistakes even if that means admitting you’re not perfect.

Saying “Thank you for sharing that with me—I’m listening and I want to understand” instead of getting defensive. Releasing the idea that someone has to be “right” and someone has to be ...

“All you can control is what you say and how you say it. You can’t control how he receives it,”

Being a clear, direct communicator is a practice of self-trust, a balance between knowing when to bring something up because it needs to be addressed and knowing when to surrender control and lean back in the relationship.

Take their word for it. Get comfortable with the discomfort of taking what people say at face value without imagining what else it could mean or what they could secretly be feeling.

When someone is being a passive-aggressive communicator, the protective part of us will try to jump in and fawn, because the discomfort of not knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling can be intolerable.