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When I didn’t smile back, she kept walking, giving me a weird look. “He’s not mean; that’s just his face,” Ezra called out. I stared at him, horrified. “Could you not do that, maybe?” “Could you not look like you’re going to murder everyone here?” he asked me, taking a big gulp of his beer and finishing it.
“That’s too bad. We’ll just put off college experimentation for another day,” Ezra said.
I already love Ezra!! Yep, TEAM EXRA!
“If we do this again, I want to be on his side,” he said, nodding in my direction.
😏
“Or if you like me.” Fuck.
“I don’t mind you.” My voice sounded weird. I cleared my throat, trying to regain my composure. “Good,” he said with a nod. “I don’t mind you either.”
“Why?” “I don’t show up, lose motivation, get too drunk or high. Choose one,” he droned, his tone flat. Hearing him talk like that made my heart feel heavy. “You’ve been showing up,” I insisted, but he just made a noncommittal noise. “I’ll stop. That’s what I do,” he said,
“I say a lot of things I don’t mean,”
He was a gigantic red flag, and my gut was screaming at me to stay away. But at the same time, I had never wanted to be closer to another person in my life.
“You stand out, not just because you’re tall. You’re attractive. You’re the most oblivious person on the planet, and you don’t realize how the girls swoon around you. Though, I guess I get it now.” He went on. “You’re smart, and you’re a genius player, but you’re like a vault too.”
“You’re unapproachable. Your socializing skills are shit. You look at everybody like they’ve personally offended you, and you’re a little rude when you finally do talk. Ezra and I have to stalk and force you to be friends with us.”
“You’re not unapproachable with Noah. I’ve never seen you like that since I met you. You have your walls down, and he’s really smart. He picked that up very quickly, even though he didn’t know you. He knows he can get close to you and barely has to try. I bet he loves that,” he explained.
I could change anything and give it to him, whatever he wanted. Anything to make him look at me like he did a moment ago. I was overcome with the urge to lean closer to him, to close the distance.
Noah was the most toxic person I had ever met, but he was also the person I had loved the most. The person who hurt me deeper than I ever thought possible. I
so much of it had nothing to do with me, and I had ended up in the center of the hurricane that was his life.
He turned into a drug for me too. I was addicted to him. His touch, his voice, the way he made me feel like I was the center of his universe—it was intoxicating. The withdrawal had always been unbearable.
Seeing him alone in the middle of this waste of an apartment—he looked forgotten. And despite not knowing how to do it, my heart ached with a fierce need to protect him, to help him find his way back.
“It just sucks taking care of your parents.”
“Because I don’t want to ruin you. I don’t want you to hate me,” he told me.
“It’s disappointing, isn’t it?” I asked him, and our gazes met and held. “When you can’t get a word in and just have to take it.”
“On an athletic scholarship, yeah, yeah, I know. Let me look at you and see if the university is getting its money’s worth.” He straddled my lap again.
“They made a sound investment. I can attest to that,” he said.
I’m so sure. I can do this. I can do it with you,”
I want to love Noah ,I feel for Noah, but my heart is so full of pain for Atty, knowing the despair and feelings of being there and questioning that I just don’t have space for Noah at this point.
“This didn’t just happen. You did this, Noah. You can’t get away with blaming all your problems on your mental health or what happened to you. You fucked up.”
I almost missed my flight because he refused to let go of my lips and climb off me.
Noah was like a hurricane, sweeping through my life and leaving nothing untouched.
How did you even manage it? We talked last night until like midnight.” “Yeah, but it was nine for me, so…” he said as if that were a good explanation. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” He looked apprehensive.
Noah?!?!?! How far in advance did you get those tickets? Did you even go to your moms or was this the plan the entire time?
“She has a boyfriend, Atty,” he said weakly, his voice barely above a whisper.
SHIT, I guess he did go… Do I feel bad for Noah, yes, but I am still mad at this as well. I feel like Ezra and me would be on the same team.
don’t need help. I just need you.
Forget a red flag, this is a neon sign over Vegas in the middle of a country field kind of warning.
“I knew while he was doing it. I just…” I started and stopped. I still loved him despite it.
couldn’t control myself around you; I was obsessed with you,” Noah confessed.
couldn’t breathe if you weren’t with me. I was making you feel the same way. I was making you crazy too,”
I hated this fucking pain in my chest.
“I fucking hate you, Noah.” I tightened my grasp. “I know,” he replied. “I wish I hadn’t met you,” I whispered to his hair.
“I think you saved my life, Atty. I don’t think I’d be here now if I hadn’t met you. I really wish I hadn’t fucked yours up in the process, but you saved my life, so thank you.”
“I need to let you go, Noah,” I whispered against his warm skin. “I know.” His voice broke.
“I know you do,” he said again. “Please let me let you go,” I asked him.
“I really wish I hated you, Noah. You don’t know how much I want to,” I told him and felt his shoulders trembling. “I don’t want to love you anymore,” I breathed.
“It’s okay.” He sniffled again. “You can let me go. It’s okay,” he said, but I heard him trying to quiet the sounds of his crying.
we were holding too tightly to each other, like we were both scared of letting go.
Holly wanted to get it for the party.
DAMN IT!! I was starting to FINALLY like her, she is so far on my shit list. Again, I am team Ezra, I can’t trust any of these bitches
but I thought we could do it together,”
NO NO NO NO NO
“Because I love you, Atty, and I’m happy with you, and it’s my birthday. Holly thought it would be fun, and I’d love to try it with you, but it’s okay if you don’t want to.” He seemed honest.
ANGER RAGE, mother fucker
“You know,” Ezra told me, “I don’t want to be an advocate for the devil, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the last time we talked about it.”
Ezra????? What are you doing buddy…we are on a team, what ever you are about to say, you are speaking for both of us…
“This is his penance for what he did. He’s going through this for you. To show you he’s different. Make of that what you will, but I think Noah’s still in love with you.”
Damn it, you said what I was feeling but sure as hell wasn’t ready to say.
Noah consumed me.
“He shouldn’t have to take care of himself with you, you fucking asshole. You’re his boyfriend. He trusts you,” Ezra said,
“No, he told you he stopped. That’s very different,” Ezra countered.
The Noah I had found in his room, the one that had joined me in the shower that first time, and the one who told me how much he missed his dad. They were all the same person I was seeing now. If I could clear all the other stuff away, maybe this could work. When things were good between us, it was like being on top of the world. I had never known happiness like this. I wanted to make this work more than anything. So I took his hand.
This is why you keep going, you see what others can’t and you thrive for those moments of the person you feel in love with. That person you see through it all and know is there. God it is so hard when you are holding on to a ghost of a person when what is solid is not what you love
“Stop it.” “You broke me first.” My voice cracked. His face softened, the anger bleeding quickly from it.
This is your fault. You made me fall in love with you, made me need you to breathe, made me feel safe and loved and needed, and then you left me. We had plans. You always talked about the future, about us. You pulled the rug from under me. You threw me away like I was nothing to you and didn’t say anything—not just when you left, but for two fucking years. You couldn’t pick up the phone to tell me what I did wrong to make you leave me.” My heart was aching.
