Theft by Finding: Diaries 1977-2002

by David Sedaris

This morning I stepped on a nail. Afterward I had to literally pry it out of my foot. I mean, it was in all the way up to the board. Now my foot is swollen, and it hurts to walk across the room. On the bright side, it’s taken my mind off my inflamed penis. Maybe tomorrow I can cut off a few fingers to take attention away from my foot.

He drove away, and I thought of him all afternoon until a bee flew into my eye.

I wondered what she’d do if I offered to buy the birth certificate for $20. Not that I would have, it was just an idea, and such a cruel one it made me blush.

amazing

He spends a lot of time telling you how smart he is, which is odd because, if you’re truly all that bright, people can usually figure it out on their own.

“Continue to send the Russians wheat, but package it in cartons filled with so many Styrofoam pellets that Russia becomes a big mess.”

A person would be in pretty serious trouble if his graduation gown no longer fit. It’s like outgrowing a tent, basically.

The word love was replaced by a heart shape I’m guessing they’ll put on the typewriter keyboard any day now, right beside the exclamation point.

I worried I might ruin their afternoon in the sun with my harsh-smelling chemicals, but once it had been established that I made the least amount of money, I became invisible, and they carried on as if I weren’t there.

In other news, I heard that a man’s waist should be twice as thick as his neck.

The nice thing about crowds is that someone can throw a bottle and you don’t take it personally.

The city smells like burned coffee.

“Patronize Santa,” I said. “Behold his chubby majesty. Santa was born and raised in a small home. Hail him. Santa’s patience is beyond your comprehension. Come test it.”

Roger Donald called from Little, Brown to say he would like to negotiate a two-book deal. To celebrate, I bought a denim shirt and thought it amazing how quickly one’s life can change. I never thought I’d want a denim shirt.

Watching this, Dad stomped his foot on the floor, the way you might if you just missed the bus and knew that another wasn’t coming for a long while. He rewound the film and replayed it a second time, then a third.

She cooked the collards with a penny. I told Amy about it and now we’re trying to think of other recipes that call for change.

A homosexual’s notion of bite-sized penis is no doubt dramatically different than that of, say, an Orthodox rabbi’s.

At first I thought they were all looking for shells and then I realized that they were stooped over due to osteoporosis! God, it was marvelous.”

When people speak Italian, I always imagine that they’re either gossiping or relating the details of a close race.

It was the coffee I wanted, with no fear that the waiter would ignore me. I paid immediately and didn’t have to beg for my check.

I’d been to only one Walmart in my life before this and I was shocked at how ugly it was, even by American standards. It was a mammoth jumble of absolute shit made more chaotic by brightly colored signs and promotional displays.

To the neighbors it must have looked as though I were trying to break in and write about it at the same time,

When I say frozen, I don’t mean “thawed” or “reheated,” I mean frozen. Hugh’s rice concoction was impenetrable and my meat was trimmed in ice. I was free to complain all I wanted, but, having signed the contract, he could do nothing but smile and chip away at his rock-hard brownie.

She rose from her chair, collected her purse, and farted in Hugh’s face. It was a small trumpeting sound that was talked about for the rest of the day.

I could have just as easily walked home, but I thought it might be fun to visit the train station with no luggage.

They’re heavily lashed but somehow seem to contain masculine information. Maggie Smith’s eyes know about shaving.

“This is it,” I told myself. “No more feeding the spiders.” Then I rode my bike to Flers, bought a magnifying glass and a book about insects, and came home to feed the spiders.

Had I woken to find him fondling me I could have lived with it, but you don’t touch another man’s puzzle. I

When given a voice, our flag is not someone you’d choose to spend a lot of time with.