Theft by Finding: Diaries 1977-2002

by David Sedaris

I was at the liquor store, buying a bottle of Canadian Club as a thank-you gift, when a drunk man approached and told me not to be frightened. He was absolutely hammered, this guy, and said he wanted me to buy him some potato chips, the kind in a large-portion bag—Big Grabs, they’re called. I brushed him off, and when I got to the register, out of nowhere he laid the chips on the counter beside my bottle of Canadian Club. The cashier saw what was going on and snatched the bag away. Then he pointed to the door and shouted, “Out of here, you!” When I stepped outside after paying, the drunk was waiting for me. He was very angry and got up in my face, demanding that I give him money. I handed him a quarter and he said, “A dollar and a quarter.” I needed to unlock my bike, so was in a bind. Drunk or not, this guy had clearly been in a lot more fights than I had. I didn’t want to give him $1 because by this point, I hated him, and it was more like getting robbed than doing someone a favor. Luckily, just then a friend of his walked up and said, “What are you, begging for money again, Ronald? Begging? Dogs beg, man.” This gave me a chance to unlock my bike and ride away.