Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five

by John Medina

In addition to satisfying relationships, other behaviors that predict happiness include: • a steady dose of altruistic acts • making lists of things for which you are grateful, which generates feelings of happiness in the short term • cultivating a general “attitude of gratitude,” which generates feelings of happiness in the long term • sharing novel experiences with a loved one • deploying a ready “forgiveness reflex” when loved ones slight you

In the textbook definition, emotions are simply the activation of neurological circuits that prioritize our perceptual world into two categories: things we should pay attention to and things we can safely ignore. Feelings are the subjective psychological experiences that emerge from this activation.

Our brains tag those inputs most immediately concerned with our survival—threats, sex, and patterns

Emotions provide an important perceptual filtering ability, in the service of survival. They play a role in affixing our attention to things and in helping us make decisions.

Until they acquire language, what’s in store for young children as their tiny, emotion-heavy brains stitch themselves together is lots of confusion.

There is nothing wrong with crying, or any other number of expressions, but you realize that there are social contexts where certain behavior is appropriate and social contexts where it is not. People who do this well generally have lots of friends.

the ability to perceive the needs of another person and respond with empathy plays a huge role in your child’s social competence.

Human temperament is a complex, multidimensional concept—a child’s characteristic way of responding emotionally and behaviorally to external events.

temperament provides the emotional and behavioral building blocks upon which personalities are constructed.

Why are fussy babies later the most likely to comply with parental wishes, be better socialized, and get the best grades? Because they are the most sensitive to their environments, even if they snarl about being guided all the way.

Remember: Tendency is NOT destiny.

Key points

Tronick calls it “interaction synchrony.” Attentive, patient interactivity actually helps your baby’s neural architecture develop in a positive way, tilting her toward emotional stability. The brain of a baby who doesn’t experience synchronous interaction can develop very differently.

Knowing what your kids tag—what things they have an emotional reaction to—and then responding to that knowledge in specific ways is not only part of the attachment process, but one of the big secrets to raising happy kids.

Attachment is understood as a reciprocal emotional relationship between an older baby and an adult.

Parents who consistently apply attention—especially in these early years—statistically raise the happiest kids.

How you deal with the emotional lives of your children—your ability to detect, react to, promote, and provide instruction about emotional regulation—has the greatest predictive power over your baby’s future happiness.

• a demanding but warm parenting style • comfort with your own emotions • tracking your child’s emotions • verbalizing emotions • running toward emotions • two tons of empathy

Responsive plus demanding.

Because these skills are directly related to a child’s social competency, how you feel about feelings can profoundly influence your child’s future happiness. You have to be comfortable with your emotions in order to make your kids comfortable with theirs.

parents who possess emotional information gain the great power of behavioral prediction.

This big-hearted father is good at (a) labeling his feelings and (b) teaching his daughter to label hers.

Kids who are exposed to this parenting behavior on a regular basis become better at self-soothing, are more able to focus on tasks, and have more successful peer relationships.

Thus, the Brain Rule: Labeling emotions calms big feelings.

children will experience the physiological characteristics of emotional responses before they know what those responses are.

in households that do not provide such instruction, these nonverbal and verbal systems remain somewhat disconnected or integrate in unhealthy ways.

They don’t try to shoot down emotions, ignore them, or let them have free reign over the welfare of the family. Instead, these parents get involved in their kids’ strong feelings.

• They do not judge emotions. • They acknowledge the reflexive nature of emotions. • They know that behavior is a choice, even though an emotion is not. • They see a crisis as a teachable moment.

there is no such thing as a bad emotion. There is no such thing as a good emotion. An emotion is either there—or it is not.

Parents in the studies who raised the happiest children understood that no technique known to humankind can make a feeling go away, even if nobody wants the feeling around.

These parents understand that kids have a choice in how they express emotions, reflexive though emotions can be. They have a list filled not with emotions that are approved and disapproved but actions that are.

research shows that “blowing off steam” usually increases aggression.

You acknowledge the child’s feelings and empathize.

Empathy reflexes and the coaching strategies that surround them are the only behaviors known consistently to defuse intense emotional situations over the short term—and reduce their frequency over the long term.

When the brain perceives empathy, the vagus nerve relaxes the body. This nerve connects the brain stem to other areas of the body, including the abdomen, chest, and neck. When it is overstimulated, it causes pain and nausea.

Key points

a willingness to make the right choices—and to withstand pressure to make the wrong ones, even in the absence of a credible threat or in the presence of a reward—is the goal of moral development.

noted primatologist David Premack, has two general components. The first is the ability to discern someone else’s psychological state. The second is the realization that although these states may be different from your own, they are still valid for the person with whom you are interacting.

• Clear, consistent rules and rewards • Swift punishment • Rules that are explained

Humans are much easier to shape than chickens.

Praising the absence of a bad behavior is just as important as praising the presence of a good one.

It just takes one magic sentence, Parke found, added to any explicit command.

compliance rates soar when some kind of cognitive rationale is given to a child.

The bottom line: Parents who provide clear, consistent boundaries whose reasons are always explained generally produce moral kids.

All kids need rules, but every brain is wired differently, so you need to know your kid’s emotional landscapes inside and out—and adapt your discipline strategies accordingly.

spanking causes more behavioral problems than other types of punishment, producing more aggressive, more depressed, more anxious children with lower IQs.

Parents whose rules issue from warm acceptance and whose rationales are consistently explained end up being perceived as reasonable and fair,

They are most likely to evince from their kids committed compliance rather than committed defiance.

Key points

Remember, baby is not your enemy in his struggle to learn to sleep independently, just a very inexperienced ally.