Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five

by John Medina

Research shows that this labeling habit is a dominant behavior for all parents who raise happy children.

Kids who are exposed to this parenting behavior on a regular basis become better at self-soothing, are more able to focus on tasks, and have more successful peer relationships.

Verbalizing has a soothing effect on the nervous systems of children. (Adults, too.) Thus, the Brain Rule: Labeling emotions calms big feelings.

There they were, just as the research literature said: the powerful calming neurological effects of learning to verbalize one’s feelings. Now it was my turn to become misty-eyed.

This finding is remarkably clear, beautifully practical, and a bit unexpected. It suggests that if you want happy kids later in life, get them started on a musical journey early in life. Then make sure they stick with it until they are old enough to start filling out their applications to Harvard, probably humming all the way.

Parents who raise kids like my friend Doug, the valedictorian, have this type of courage in spades. They are fearless in the face of raging floods of emotions from their child. They don’t try to shoot down emotions, ignore them, or let them have free reign over the welfare of the family.

They have four attitudes toward emotions (yes, their meta-emotions): • They do not judge emotions. • They acknowledge the reflexive nature of emotions. • They know that behavior is a choice, even though an emotion is not. • They see a crisis as a teachable moment.

Many families actively discourage the expression of tough emotions like fear and anger. Happiness and tranquility, meanwhile, make it to the top of the list of “approved” emotions. To parents of Dougs all over the world, there is no such thing as a bad emotion. There is no such thing as a good emotion. An emotion is either there—or it is not. These parents seem to know that emotions don’t make people weak and they don’t make people strong. They only make people human. The result is a savvy let-the-children-be-who-they-are attitude.

There is no right or wrong emotion. Every emotion should be acknowledged

Some families deal with hot emotions by actively ignoring them, hoping their kids will “snap out of it” as adults do. But denying the existence of emotions can make them worse. (People who deny their feelings often make bad choices, which is what usually gets them into trouble.)

PArents SHould acknowledge that emotions are reflexive and a person should not hide their feelings

Parents in the studies who raised the happiest children understood that no technique known to humankind can make a feeling go away, even if nobody wants the feeling around. Initial emotional reactions are as automatic as blinking. They don’t disappear simply because someone thinks they should.

These parents understand that kids have a choice in how they express emotions, reflexive though emotions can be. They have a list filled not with emotions that are approved and disapproved but actions that are. And the parents put teeth into it, consistently teaching their kids which choices are appropriate and which are not. Parents of kids like Doug speak softly but carry an obvious rule book.

Some families don’t make a rule book. Some parents let their kids freely express whatever emotions they have, then allow whatever behavior the kid engages in to spew forth all over the world. They believe there is little you can do about a stream of negative emotions, except perhaps to scramble up the bank and let the flood pass by. Parents with these attitudes are descending into an abdication of their parenting responsibilities. Statistically, they will raise the most troubled children of any parenting style ever tested.

Parents realize that although emotion is ok but bad behavior is not. They make their kids understand bad behavior and help them realize what was the better choice in that situation

Almost half a century’s worth of research shows that “blowing off steam” usually increases aggression.

“You never want a serious crisis to go to waste” is an attitude as common in these households as it is in certain political circles.

Sound odd? Many parents would expect this response to make things worse, like trying to extinguish a flame by dousing it with lighter fluid. But the data are remarkably clear. Empathy reflexes and the coaching strategies that surround them are the only behaviors known consistently to defuse intense emotional situations over the short term—and reduce their frequency over the long term.

Note how you verbalize her feelings, validating them, signaling understanding. This is empathy.

In order for you to grow empathetic kids, practice empathy on a regular basis, with your friends, with your spouse, with your coworkers.

What exactly does “moral” mean?

That’s the definition we’ll use: a set of value-laden behaviors embraced by a cultural group whose main function is to guide social behavior.

thousands of people from more than 120 countries have taken. You can take it, too, at http://moral.wjh.harvard.edu

A child who can resist the temptation to defy some moral norm, even when the possibility of detection and punishment is zero, has internalized the rule.

These children not only know what is proper, an awareness that might have been preloaded into their brains, but they now agree with it and attempt to align their behaviors accordingly. This is also sometimes called inhibitory control, which sounds suspiciously like well-developed executive function.

Theory of Mind, first coined by noted primatologist David Premack, has two general components. The first is the ability to discern someone else’s psychological state. The second is the realization that although these states may be different from your own, they are still valid for the person with whom you are interacting. You develop a theory of how the other person’s mind works, even if it differs from your own.

Part of the reason it’s tough is that when children observe bad behavior, they have learned it. Even if the bad behavior is punished, it remains easily accessible in the child’s brain.

As we saw in the previous chapter, emotions are the foundation of a child’s happiness. It appears that they are also the basis of moral decision making.

This biology tells us that emotional regulation is an important component of raising a moral child. So is executive function. The healthy integration of both processes will go a long way toward keeping a child in touch with her inner Mother Teresa.

You need all three legs for the stool to provide children with the sturdiest seat—the most finely attuned moral reflexes. The three legs are: • Clear, consistent rules and rewards • Swift punishment • Rules that are explained

Praising the absence of a bad behavior is just as important as praising the presence of a good one.

Sometimes the situation requires more direct interventions. For this there is the concept of punishment, which is closely related to negative reinforcement. The research world recognizes two types.

The first type is sometimes called punishment by application. It has a reflexive quality to it. You touch your hand to a stove, your hand gets burned immediately, you learn not to touch the stove. This automaticity is very powerful. Research shows that children internalize behaviors best when they are allowed to make their own mistakes and feel the consequences.

In the second type of punishment, the parent is subtracting something. Appropriately, this is called punishment by removal. For example, your son hits his younger sister, and you do not allow him to go to a birthday party. Or you give him a time-out. (Jail time for crimes is the adult form of this category.)

The bottom line: Parents who provide clear, consistent boundaries whose reasons are always explained generally produce moral kids.

spasmodic,

reverie.

incongruous

Voltaire once said, “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”

This skill, Theory of Mind, is the first step to empathy.

The mother chose in that instant to pay close attention to her son’s emotions. She penetrated her son’s psychological space and empathized with him—that’s the first theme—but what she chose to focus on once she got there was his emotional life. She empathized with his obvious feelings of rejection. Mom did not try to hide them, neutralize them, or throw stones at them. This consistent choice separates the superstar parents from the rest.

Throughout, we discussed how parents who focus on emotions help create emotional stability in their children.

At the most basic level, these themes can be boiled down to a single sentence: Be willing to enter into your child’s world on a regular basis and to empathize with what your child is feeling. Simple as a song.

Ellen Galinsky’s Mind in the Making.

Make a list of all the behaviors—the actions and words—you regularly broadcast to the world. Do you laugh a lot? Swear on a regular basis? Exercise? Do you cry easily or have a hair-trigger temper? Do you spend hours on the Internet? Make this list. Have your spouse do this, too, and compare. Step 2: Rate them. There are probably things on this list of which you are justifiably proud. Others, not so much. Whether good or bad, these are the behaviors your children will encounter on a regular basis in your household. And they will imitate them, whether you want them to or not. Decide which behaviors you want your children to emulate and circle them. Decide which behaviors you’d rather have them not imitate at all and put an X through them. Step 3: Do something about this list. Engage regularly in the behaviors you love. It’s as easy as telling your spouse on a regular basis how much you love her. Put on an extinction schedule the ones you don’t want to have around. It’s as easy (and as hard) as turning off the television.

Get into the habit of rewarding the intellectual exertion your child puts into a given task rather than his or her native intellectual resources. Begin by practicing on your spouse and even your friends. If they do something well, say, “You must have put a lot of effort into that” rather than, “Wow, you are really talented.” When children praised for their effort fail, they are much more likely to try harder.