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The real problem was that I was in love with Jackson Ford Myles. I had been for years. Boys like Jackson chased after the girl next door types while I just pined silently after my best friend. While it fucking hurt sometimes, I’d come to accept that this was my reality.
Also, riding a horse with a boner wasn’t comfortable.
Sometimes it was just easier to take my father’s wrath than try to avoid it. That always ended worse. I could take a hit or two. I was tougher than he thought I was.
I loved him—I had for a long time—and I’d honestly been fooled into thinking he loved me too. That night in the field was supposed to be our turning point. But then that selfish asshole just walked away from it all. From the ranch. From his dad. From me.
“Now, you ain’t got a clue what sent that boy packin’,” Mickey said quietly. “Oh, I know.” Me.
“You think you knew Harrison McNamara but you didn’t, boy. You think you know everythin’ about West McNamara, but you don’t, boy. I suggest you get that thick head of yours out of your ass before he shows up here. If he don’t cause trouble, neither should you. And I ain’t sayin’ more than that.”
It could burn to the ground for all I fucking cared.
My chest tightened painfully. The soft gray leopard Appaloosa watching me was fucking gorgeous. My girl was gorgeous.
It was just more work, more money, and more time wasted—things
All the while as West worked, Bailey hovered with her snout pressed into his back. It was as if she wasn’t about to let him out of her sight again. It did something uncomfortable to my heart. I cursed under my breath. I didn’t need that fucking complication in my life.
They deserved better. They never did anything to anyone other than exist, and they weren’t being cared for right.
I didn’t trust a nice gesture. The hit always came after and hurt so much more.
“You keep lookin’ at him like that, boy, and I’m goin’ to start questionin’ if you want to fire him or fuck him,” Mickey commented,
Instead of firing him on a Friday like I meant to, I spent a weekend fucking him. That made Monday real awkward when I actually had to fire the insufferable man.
Seventeen years and this girl still fucking loved me. I touched my forehead to hers. I didn’t deserve to be loved like that.
“Now, you listen here, boy,” Mickey cut me off, getting in my face as he did. “I’m gettin’ real fuckin’ tired of your attitude. You ain’t got a clue what it’s like to live hard. You’ve had your shit handed to you on a gold fuckin’ platter your whole life. West ain’t had that. Livin’ hard changes people. He may not be whatever the fuck you wanted him to be, but you’re goin’ to just have to accept that he ain’t that kid you knew no more. What you see is what you get. Now, you and me, we ain’t ever had a problem, but we’re about to if you don’t get your shit together and stop pushin’ that button,
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your Dad only cried three times in his life. The first was on our wedding day, the second was the day you were born, and the third… I sat with him on the phone as he cried outside the hospital.
“No, y’all decided to bury your fucking heads in the sand, and for what?” I gestured around me. “For some fucking land? For fucking cows? You failed him—all of you—when you decided his worth wasn’t more than this stupid fucking business. Than a stupid fucking job!” “Now, it ain’t like that—” “It is like that!” I interrupted. How could none of them understand that?
“I would’ve burned the whole fucking place to the ground before I let him run away afraid for his life.”
🖤🖤🖤
“I need you to give Carter a call and get him out to the ranch. Tell him I have a…” I faltered briefly, staring at the fire for the right words, “controlled burn I need his help on.”
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“What the hell are you setting fire to now?” “The McNamara house.”
“Tell him I slipped while carrying… what?” I glanced back at the empty containers in the bed of my truck. “Call it twelve gallons of gasoline while smoking a lit cigarette.” “Jesus fuck, Jackson.” “Oops.”
No one else knew I’d been in the room with her the night she killed herself.
All my anger and hatred was tied to a broken fucking heart. I knew that, even when I lied to everyone else about it. West had been my everything—loving him aside. We’d spent every waking moment together from the minute we both could walk. He was my best friend. He was the one I was supposed to do this whole goddamn thing called life with. I’d counted on that. When he’d disappeared, it fucking hurt.
Beamer was loud and nosy. It wasn’t so much that he liked people. He just liked knowing what was going on and what snacks he could get out of it.
“PTSD is a bitch of a thing. It shreds apart all the things you knew about yourself and then keeps on taking from things you never thought it could touch.”
If keeping him close meant pissing him off in the process, I’d fucking do it.
“Listen real close, Burt, because you got two choices here. On one hand, you nod your head, you say goodbye, and you get the hell on with your day. On the other hand, you tell Henry here to call the Sheriff because West won’t be the one to hit you. I will. And I promise I’ll make it fucking hurt. So, what’ll it be, Burt? Are you and me going to have a problem today?”
“He just needed to feel like he was safe, that’s all,” he dismissed. “Animals are simpler than people think. They need to be cared for, have their needs met, and know they’re safe. Do that and you’ll see a whole new side of them.”
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“My dick is pierced,” West interrupted loudly. His dick was… what? I choked on my sandwich, coughing hard. I slid off the fence as I sputtered and tried to regain my composure. My brain struggled to wrap around the words he’d just said. Maybe I’d heard him wrong? That had to be it. “I’m sorry, what?” I rasped when I had just enough of a voice to say something. “My dick is pierced,” he repeated. The way he said it was as if it was the most casual information to give. “I want to get on a horse, but I’d like to keep my dick where it is. I’m still figuring out the risk of ripping out a barbell.”
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“I have six barbells,” he continued. Oh. “You know, in case you were going to ask.” “I wasn’t,” I said tightly. Nope, I definitely was not. Could not. Would not. I refused to think about what the hell his dick looked like pierced. “I could’ve done eight,” he told me. This motherfucker.
He’d gotten rid of all the yellow. That singular thought stuttered around my brain, breaking off little pieces of me in a way I couldn’t describe. No one had ever done anything like this for me.
“I’d rather go through hell with you, West, than watch it destroy you.”
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“I’m not worth it,” I whispered breathlessly against his mouth. “You just let me keep believing that for the both of us,”
I’d probably regret giving an addict prescription painkillers, but there was no reason he should suffer either.
“I don’t know.” His lips quirked at the corner. “Watching you damn near fight an old lady over me was kind of fun. Maybe I’ll see how many other women I can get you to fight.” “Don’t you fucking dare.” “We’ll see how the day goes.” “I hate you.” “Good.” This fucking man.
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“Your bun—do you have buckle bunnies?” he demanded, his frown deep when he faced me. “As the only out gay man on the circuit, I’m in with all the buckle bunnies,” I told him. “And I have a say in when all the straight men get laid.” “That’s evil.” “That’s fucking funny. You ever watch a pent-up cowboy try to get laid when every available woman tells him no? It’s the best fucking revenge.”
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“How much do you want for her?” I reiterated. At his continued hesitance, I said, “Either we’re leaving with that horse or West will be sleeping in your stables tonight.” He laughed like I said something funny, but he had no clue just how serious I was.
“I told you I’m not fucking worth it.” “I’ll keep believing you are for the both of us.”
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“You’ll have yee’d your last haw,”
The truth was that I didn’t know what I was doing where West was concerned. And that scared me.
I think Harrison should’ve had an accident early on that no one would’ve fucking questioned out in one of our fields.
And if he ain’t mad, then I need to learn to let it go.”
you. I walked into this thing with you knowing full well that at the end of this year together, you’re going to break my heart. I just know that if anyone deserves every opportunity to start over, it’s you.
“Don’t…” he began quietly, “don’t… don’t give me the power to break your heart. I’m not fucking worth that.” This man. This fucking man. He just didn’t get it, did he? “It’s too late for that,” I whispered. Taking his face in my hands, I kissed him once. Twice. Three times. Each kiss lingered longer than the last. “I loved you back then just like I love you now.”
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I lost control completely, succumbing to endless screaming in my head.
“Because I was in the bathroom the night she killed herself,” he told me so softly I wasn’t sure I heard him right at first. My heart damn near fell out of my chest. What? “I thought she died in a car accident.” “Harrison didn’t want anyone knowing what she did… how she died. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it. He blamed me… said if I loved her, I would’ve saved her.”
Each glass went down faster than the others until my demons were drowning alongside me.
He broke down completely, and I held on tighter than I’d ever held anyone in my life. And he let me. I bore the brunt of his weight as he gave in. There wasn’t a damn thing I could say, but I wasn’t going anywhere. We could stand against the kitchen sink until the sun rose for all I fucking cared. I wasn’t letting go until he wanted me to.
“No.” I didn’t want to consider therapy. I could barely handle AA. The idea of sitting down and telling someone all my crap? That shit would be the end of me. And for what? It wouldn’t fix me. Nothing could.
