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“And your shoes don’t match.”
NO WAY SHE PUT ON 2 DIFFSHOES
That sends me into a fit of giggles.
I love a good giggle
My lungs constrict so tightly I can’t breathe for several seconds, but I garner all the strength and patience I have and rein in the desire to murder the man standing in the doorway,
See i wouldnt have exerted that level of self-control. I would made sure it was that mans last day on earth
“It’s not the end of the world.” The jackass shrugs like he really believes the bullshit he’s spewing. “I make an excellent roommate.”
Sir you are 40 years old. No one want to be your damn roomie
“Yes, my attorney drew up a contract for us.”
Damn I should get an attorney. With how much nonsense I get up to, I shoulda had someone on retainer, like a decade ago
like he’s trying to figure me out. Yeah, me too buddy.
Fr. Like you think your confused? Im f-ing confused bruh
“You agree to babysit all the kids once a week.” I press my lips together, knowing this will have him running for the hills.
Haha this mf dont realize she lives with a whole gaggle of children
“Okay, seriously, how many people can fit in this foyer,
Fr this a clown car
Medusa laughs her man-hating laugh.
I want a man-hating laugh
My body is built differently. It took me a long time, but I’m finally in a place where I accept that.
Me too babes
Because that one minute then leads to a stern look from the doctor and a lecture about how I am technically obese and should consider exercising and eating right.
Me when the dr doesnt believe me bc im big
It’s almost impossible not to lash out and make a scene.
I am team make a scene
Don’t confuse all of that with the absurd notion that the man cares.”
She’s right
“Fuck the patriarchy and the way it’s made us all question our self-worth.
THATS WHAT IM SAYINNNN
“Listen, I need smut. I don’t have a man.”
Now listen
tell this guy to go fly a kite.”
Im totes using this
I’m more like cheesecake—and not a delicate slice. I’m the round kind with lots of filling.
Girl i wish i looked like a slice of cheesecake
a game they win in overtime thanks to Aiden Langfield and the right winger, Tyler Warren.
THATS MY MAN😁
After Raccoongate,
Not racoongate
Yeah, he could not be less interested if he tried. Not that I can blame him. I’m insane.
I am also insane and i love it
“You speak a fucking word about her again, and I will step on you with my goddamn blade and end your life.”
Omgomgomg
“And your face is ugly. Let’s not point out obvious facts.”
Damn
She shakes her head and picks up her glass. “Not interested.”
Yes maam that’s what im talking about
“Face the ceremony and shut your mouth before I staple it shut.”
Tehe
He glances across the aisle, and his eyes crease in understanding. “I’ll watch Tweedledee and Tweedledum,”
Cackling
Once I’ve programmed my number, I hand the phone back to her. “Be safe.” She swallows and then nods, gazing into my eyes. “You too, Gavin. Be happy.”
I love this
With a roll of my eyes, I snatch it out of her hands, bring it to my mouth, and suck. The second the flavor registers, my stomach revolts. “Holy shit,” I cough out between gags. “What the fuck are you feeding my child?”
NO WAY HE JUST DRANK FROM THE BOTTLE
Or maybe he wants me to come over and hang out while we stare at our babies.
The baby carrier Beckett ordered has been a lifesaver.
If i saw a man in a baby carrier, i would need to go home
Yeah, you can take whoever this Vivi is, and I’ll take my time ringing Gavin’s neck.
You have my support
I’ll be the best damn ex in the history of exes.
Girl you are going to have to get in line behind me
but if I’m acting like a lunatic, Gavin has joined me in the mental ward, because he’s yet to say a word.
Couple goals af
“Did you steal this baby?” I whisper.
BABY STEALERRRR
“Did you move in there before or after you stole Vivi?”
Fr he just babysnatched vivi
“True, but I’m not strange. Promise.” She tosses her head back and laughs, her pink hair flying. “Okay, I’m a little strange.” She holds up her hands. “Okay, I can be a lot strange. I admit it. But I’m not a stranger.
I’m double strange
Because, though I’m still worried about him, I’m no longer worried about us.
“Your dreams are my dreams.
“Keeping this secret since I saw you on the beach in Aruba has been killing me.”
AIDEN SAW WHAT HAPPENED ON THE BEACH ?!?!
It may be anticlimactic, and it isn’t anywhere close to what I planned, but I couldn’t have planned you if I was the greatest architect in the world.
“I don’t like wearing clothes when I’m at home.” She runs her hands down her body, as if she’s on display. “This all takes a lot of work.”
That’s what I’m saying
“To the window,” I shout. “To the wall,” Daniel replies as the biscuit flies in his direction. “To the left, to the left,” War sings, but Daniel is already rushing forward. “Wrong song,” I holler as he slaps the puck into the empty net.
War is an old man lmao
“I am your conscience.
That’s what I’m saying
The peace is broken quickly, though, when I’m hit square in the head with a Nerf bullet.
This is why i dont believe in nerf guns in my house
Finn bumps his knuckles against mine. “It’s our week with Junior and the babies.”
No way the raccoons are back
For years, I’ve started my days the same way: dancing around my apartment naked.
See and that’s how i end my days
“Aiden,” Lennox shouts from the closet. “Did you color coordinate my clothes? It looks like Barbie and Ken’s Dreamhouse closet in here.” Ah, shit. I knew I forgot to undo something last night.
He got on a plane and flew home so he could give me a hug. He brought my favorite flowers, my favorite rosé, and flew home. For me.
Im not crying, you’re crying
He didn’t end up with a breathing tube like I’d have liked,
Shoulda swung harder
Am I really the only one of us Langfields who has to live with these overwhelming swells of emotion?
My poor baby
