Sunburn: Exclusive American Edition with Additional Material

by Chloe Michelle Howarth

My heart lurches, as if it wants to leave my awful body and go make a home in her.

I would drape my own soul over her body to protect her from eyes like mine.

She has put herself at the centre of my attention, she has taken control of my emotions, and I feel her thrashing around within me, so intensely. I pray she will never go. —

I am all wounds, Susannah, and you are the loveliest pus. Flooding in to heal me. Yellow as the sun.

How can I fix this? Do I want this fixed? I wouldn’t want to live not knowing the goodness of Susannah. She is fresh air, and warmth, and mornings in July. What is there to fix? There is evil in my yearning, I know, I just can’t see where yet.

This Summer is breaking my heart into pieces, to reveal a new and better heart that only beats for her.

Being alone with her now, I feel I am the nearest I have ever been to God. It is her, she breathed my soul into me. It is Crossmore, our small rural Heaven.

How could I be afraid? How could I be nervous with her? This is a moment of great peace, when, for the first time, I am not afraid of my feelings. I want her, I just want her, there isn’t anything sordid about it – actually, it’s the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever known.

I have never felt closer to Heaven than I felt today on the road with you.

I no longer count the hours or the days, it’s only the time that she is with me, and the time I have to wait until she is with me again.

Now that I am with her, I can’t imagine being without her. I can’t imagine being who I was before. I don’t want

To be with her is a sin, to be without her is a tragedy.

Susannah, I would be a yellow spot on your jaw, I would be a moth in the wardrobe or a stain on your clothes, let me be anything as long as I am your special, secret thing.

It’s hard not be demolished by the thought of her, because I live in a body that has loved her and I see with eyes that have witnessed her. She is part of my muscles, my tissue, she is unforgettable.

There is no guilt, no fear. I don’t care if anybody sees me here, looking for the love of my life. I want to be seen here. I want the world to see me with her. I want them all to see me setting myself free.