Eggshells

by Parm K.C.

the problem with being insecure is that when a toxic partner says you aren’t good enough, you believe them.

it seems he only wants me when he wants my body. it’s like he sees me as nothing more than a thing that exists for his pleasure. and I am so starved for affection, that I convince myself it’s love. I am so starved for anything that resembles intimacy that I eat up whatever is put in front of me. it seems he only wants me when he wants my body, so I deliver. because I’d rather him want me for my body than not want me at all.

I don’t know how he can fall asleep and sleep so peacefully when I am sobbing next to him. I don’t know how the one who claims to love me can be so unaffected by my tears and my distress. I don’t know how he can drift into dreams after we argue, yell, shout, and fight. maybe he doesn’t care enough while I care entirely too much.

I got so tired of fighting with him, that I stopped speaking up when he hurt me. I stopped trying to communicate, stopped bringing up my concerns – none of it felt worth it. I got so tired of fighting with him that I stopped fighting for myself.

I want the type of love that doesn’t hurt this much – in fact, I want the type of love that doesn’t hurt at all.

I’m exhausted from trying to persuade him to love me. I’m tired of begging for what I know I need but can’t seem to receive from him. I’ve grown so weary of making a case for why the one who promised to love me, should love me. I pray one day soon, I’ll be ready to give up.

he didn’t take my life, but he did clip my wings. and isn’t that basically the same thing?

he always told me I’m too sensitive. that I misunderstood his joke, I take things too seriously, I’m too easily offended. It’s my fault, somehow. I used to defer to him and numbed that part of me – the part that tried to stand up for myself. I see now – I’m not too sensitive. he is just far too insensitive.

I am sorry others tell you to give him another chance when all he does is diminish you. I am sorry they minimize your pain, give him so much credit, and don’t see your value. you do not need to listen to them. you don’t need to give him another chance – you have given him many. the one who should get a second chance is you.

I’m sure you could trace all the reasons why I stayed so long back to my childhood. I’m sure it was something that did or didn’t happen to younger me – something to unpack in therapy, while digging through past traumas like some sort of dark and twisted treasure hunt. but it really doesn’t matter how I became so forgiving and naïve. all that matters is that I kiss that me goodbye.

we watched generations of women before us be harmed by men who claimed to love them. we didn’t know there could be a different path for us. we didn’t know we don’t need to follow in their footsteps. we didn’t know we could forge a new trail. we know now. - cycle breakers

today I bought myself flowers. I didn’t wait for anyone else to. I wanted them – I knew they’d make me happy, and I knew they were well earned. so there they sit, perched atop my bedside table, a colorful reminder of my tenacity. a tangible manifestation of the way I love myself. this is what I always deserved.

I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore – I don’t stay around those who require me to. I go where I’m wanted, leave when I’m not, let my footsteps be heavy, let my voice be heard. I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore – and for once, I’m not cracked into a million pieces.

choosing myself was a seed. something was planted, and roots began to sprout that day. the fruit may not have flourished immediately, but look how I have grown.