Eggshells

by Parm K.C.

I know he doesn’t treat me right and yet I want him anyway. I could ask what is wrong with him, but the real question is what is wrong with me?

I colored his red flags green. limerence tasted too delicious and I didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. I made every excuse for him – he had a bad day. a long week at work. he’s stressed. I colored his red flags green, but I’m almost out of paint. his true colors are starting to show.

everyone says just walk away. and I can’t explain why I don’t. it’s like my feet are planted in soil that has never let me grow.

I wanted to be the one to heal him. I wanted to be the one to inspire him and motivate him to be a better man. but I see now, I cannot reform the core of another person – none of us can. so while I tried so hard to turn him into someone else, I turned into someone else. I need to go, before I lose too much more of me.

you can play the part of a happy couple, and pretend he didn’t mean what he said. you can lie to your family and friends – tell them it’s all okay, tell them he adores you, tell them you’re content. but you know. deep inside, you know the truth. and you know he’s not the one.

he kept breaking me, and yet I stayed with him. I blamed myself for the longest time, until I understood this - I was never taught to raise my standards.

I know I should have freed myself long ago. I know I should have left at the first red flag, the first signal, the first visceral call in my gut screaming – go. but I stayed. I stayed while I pleaded and negotiated for his love. I gave him what felt like an eternity to change, and he never did. and now I have to live with this truth – I’ll never get those years back.

please burn down the bridge that leads back to the man who hurt you. burn it down before you go up in flames.

I remember the precise instant I looked straight at him and the thought hit me like a freight train – he is not my person. but I shoved that thought into a box, and stayed with him anyway. I was afraid. of being alone, of the unknown, of making a fresh start. I should have known not to be afraid. I should have trusted that insight. that thought was my divine self. and I will never silence her again.