Eggshells

by Parm K.C.

he is so charming in front of others, and so harmful behind closed doors. why does the world get the best of him, while I get the worst?

I’m sitting on the floor, knees to my chest, I’m no longer waiting for him to come in to apologize. but I’m still waiting for us to go back to the couple we used to be. I think I’ll be waiting a long time.

it seems he only wants me when he wants my body. it’s like he sees me as nothing more than a thing that exists for his pleasure. and I am so starved for affection, that I convince myself it’s love. I am so starved for anything that resembles intimacy that I eat up whatever is put in front of me. it seems he only wants me when he wants my body, so I deliver. because I’d rather him want me for my body than not want me at all.

I made every excuse for him – he had a bad day. a long week at work. he’s stressed. I colored his red flags green, but I’m almost out of paint. his true colors are starting to show.

he paws at me with clumsy hands and it doesn't feel good - I am not satisfied. he grabs me in the dark of night when he cannot see my face and the way I flinch because it is unnerving to be touched by the same one who ignored you all day. but his touch allows me to pretend he loves me. his touch allows me to keep lying to myself. I guess this is good enough for tonight.

he told me he loved that I was low maintenance, and I accepted it like a prize that I had won. my mistake. I should have taken it as a warning that he had no intention of maintaining me, my happiness, or any of my needs.

I don’t know how he can fall asleep and sleep so peacefully when I am sobbing next to him. I don’t know how the one who claims to love me can be so unaffected by my tears and my distress. I don’t know how he can drift into dreams after we argue, yell, shout, and fight. maybe he doesn’t care enough while I care entirely too much.

somehow, the fault lies with me. when he berates me, I am responsible. when he’s angry, it’s on me. no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, all of the guilt is on my shoulders and none is ever on his. is it any surprise that when he blames me, I blame myself too?

I got so tired of fighting with him, that I stopped speaking up when he hurt me. I stopped trying to communicate, stopped bringing up my concerns – none of it felt worth it. I got so tired of fighting with him that I stopped fighting for myself.

he shows his anger constantly while I am not allowed to show any emotion at all. you could say it isn’t fair, but nothing about us is fair. it isn’t fair that I entered this union expecting love, and am met with his contempt. it isn’t fair that at one time, I was bright and gleaming with hope for my life, and now I simmer in sadness and regret. it isn’t fair that he calls the shots while I have no power. none of it is fair.

did I ask for this misery? did I ask for the insults, the disdain, the name-calling, the betrayal? did I do something to bring this all upon myself? is this the type of “love” I must accept because of something I did? no – this is what he wants me to believe. because if I believe I asked for it, I won’t question it. and if I don’t question it, I won’t question him. and if I don’t question him, he gets to escape accountability forever. he declares his love for me, but his words are like daggers. he declares his love for me, but he makes me feel small. he declares his love for me, but he gives me no grace. he declares his love for me, but I don’t feel it. words alone mean nothing.

wanted to be the one to inspire him and motivate him to be a better man. but I see now, I cannot reform the core of another person – none of us can. so while I tried so hard to turn him into someone else, I turned into someone else. I need to go, before I lose too much more of me.

“if he wanted to he would” takes on a whole new meaning when you realize that he hurts you because he wants to.

you can play the part of a happy couple, and pretend he didn’t mean what he said. you can lie to your family and friends – tell them it’s all okay, tell them he adores you, tell them you’re content. but you know. deep...

he always told me I’m too sensitive. that I misunderstood his joke, I take things too seriously, I’m too easily offended. It’s my fault, somehow. I used to defer to him and numbed that part of me – the part that tried to stand up for myself. I see now – I’m not too sensitive. he is just far too insensitive.

The joke is not funny. It never was, has been, nor forkin’ will be homie.

I had to coax the bare minimum out of him, and yet I thought it was love.

he destroyed the part of me that was capable of love and he destroyed the part of me that was capable of trust. he showed me how callous a person can be and I have no desire to meet another like him. so I’d rather not meet anyone at all.

I prayed that he would change. that if I was selfless enough, loyal enough, supportive enough, he would wake up one day and treat me well. but the more love I gave him, the more heartless he became. and so, he didn’t change – but I did. I became a flicker of myself – timid, small, and invisible. and my perception of love changed. it transformed until I forgot completely that it is meant to be light and buoyant, serene and empathetic. not hard and dark – daunting and isolating. he never changed. but he certainly changed me, and everything within me.

it was painful to realize that he didn’t care about me. he told me he loved me – he uttered that phrase, and showed me affection when there was something in it for him. sur...

the hardest part was questioning if it was really that bad or if I was overreacting. questioning my memories of the times he acted so spiteful and if I was recalling it incorrectly. questioning my own voice when his would drown mine out, telling me I was being dramatic. but I wasn’t being dramatic, and it was that bad. he was just so damn good at rewriting history.

I pretended I didn’t notice the way he turned away from me after taking what he wanted from my body.

I had to pretend I was blind to stay with him. but I’m not blind anymore. I see it all too clearly now.