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A fire erupts inside me. “No. It sounds horrible.” “Now get up, and let’s sort this out.”
One paragraph , not three.
The silence that follows stretches long. I hold up my hand with the wedding ring proudly positioned. How have they missed that?
This makes no sense, just 2 paragraphs ago he put the ring on, this implies that he doesn't always wear it. That he's hiding it. How are they to notice something he's not wearing?
“Oh shit.” My eyes go wide. “You weren’t joking. That really is massive,” I pant.
One paragraph.
Standing beside her, she sits up and takes the blade.
Should read "I stand beside her as she sits up…"
she’s not even looking at the scars on my chest that I’ve covered my best with tattoos.
Should read "I tried my best to cover with…" or "that I've done my best to cover with tattoos…".
My wrists ache where the restraints rubbed raw.
…where the restraints rubbed "them" raw."
“Now, I need to feed you before I feed on you,” he says with a grin.
They just left a baby shower that was at a restaurant. Why didn't they eat there?
Also, who is the baby shower for? Both Charlotte and Hallie already had their babies.
Two letters marking her mine.
…marking her "as" mine.
body starts to get a grip of itself.
…get a grip "on" itself.
“No one that matches that description is on my guest list.”
Staff aren't considered guests, therefore he wouldn't be on the guest list.
She is the only one who can help stay sane through all this.
…help "me" stay
The breath shudders out of him. He slams his fist into his laptop keyboard, the crack of plastic echoing. “These motherfuckers,” he mutters. “W-what?” My voice cracks. “They’ve locked me out of the security feeds.”
A sentence about him getting off of the call and then typing on his laptop would be a good transition here. Otherwise It's a strange jump in the scene.
Jame’s.
James's
Frankie raises his glass like we’re at a wedding toast instead of standing in a slaughterhouse.
When did he get a drink? They have been dealing with gunshot wounds and kidnappings, no mention of grabbing drinks.
“I know you do. You’d be lost without me.” I smile, trying to cut the weight of the moment, but his face doesn’t soften. His stare is serious. “How do you need me, Finn? What do you want me to do?”
One paragraph.
It’s what I’m used to people leaving me,”
Used to; people leaving me.
We’ll pull them out. Between me and Charlotte, we’ve crafted a plan to reach them. To save them. To remind them that monsters can be stopped.
Why wouldn't the women also be there? Just because the men are brought in doesn't mean they can't also have the women brought in at the same time.
