Tantrum

by Rachel Eve Moulton

I’ve found it’s best to function as independently from others as possible, so as not to be disappointed or taken by surprise by someone else’s lack of care for you.

When did I become so passive-aggressive? Maybe it comes naturally with motherhood, especially if motherhood doesn’t come naturally.

“Every cent goes to your kid once you’re a parent.”

I watch myself in the brightly lit mirror, and all I can see is how much I hate myself already. The idea of it someday being worse is more than I can bear.

Ah, my morning routine.

At least I know Harold was the cat now, although I do have a moment of picturing her dead husband picked up by an owl, his limbs flailing as he is carted off.

Why is this quote so funny???

On the tip of my tongue sit questions I am not comfortable with: What if we are not safe? What if I’ve made a monster who can’t be tamed? And finally, What kind of mother calls her daughter a monster?

The problem, as you get older, is that you realize the world feels a responsibility to hate.

One small exchange with my mother has the power to exhaust me.

I’m frightened but also intrigued. It’s the feeling of wonder that childhood used to offer. That feeling of What will happen next? And, Am I brave enough? A feeling that always brought giddiness even as it led down a path to dread.

All this time trying so hard to not be my mother and now I’ve done just that. Given my baby all my unnamed secrets and my shame.

I bore the villain. I am the villain.

Even the remnant of a dead man enjoys splaying himself about, poking and piercing and taking up all the room.

“I need them,” I say, and it makes a nervous feeling flutter in my stomach. Needing no one is safer.

“Well, maybe she’s right. And maybe being a monster doesn’t mean what she thinks it means. Maybe it’s a gift and maybe, just maybe, you can use it to show your daughter how to be her best self too.”

“You’ve never cared about anyone but yourself.” Part of me believes this. The other part of me doesn’t care what she thinks.