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“I almost let you win.” “Liar.” “The view was not bad. From behind. Almost worth staying there.”
“I hate that you can outrun me like that. It doesn’t make sense.” Ilya opened one eye. “Maybe you should eat carbs.” “I eat healthy carbs.” “You eat nothing.” “You smoke.” “Almost never.” “You had a cigarette last night.” “How do you know?” “I have a nose.” Ilya booped the tip of Shane’s nose. “A cute one.”
Shane loved Ilya so much it physically hurt to contain it some days. He didn’t want to be a gay icon, or deal with any of the attention they would get from the hockey world—both good and bad—if they ever disclosed their relationship, but he wished he could love Ilya openly without dealing with any of that.
Oh these boys
He was terrified that one day Shane would realize he could be with someone who wasn’t a dark secret. That it could be easy to love someone.
He closed his eyes and focused on how good it felt to be with Shane, alone in the dark, and tried not to wish it could be the same in the light.
“We are very good at pretending to not be in love. Maybe we are bad at showing it when we are allowed.”
Sometimes Ilya was so starved for touch he felt like screaming. He felt it most when Shane was close, like he was now, but off-limits.
Most of all, though, he missed the comfort he got from human touch.
Ugh my heart can’t take this
Kiss me, Ilya wanted to say. Kiss me and hold me in front of all these people. Pull me onstage and do it. I don’t care anymore. Please. I’m dying. “Nothing,” Ilya said, and stepped away. “Nothing.”
But he wasn’t sure he deserved to be. He couldn’t make himself believe that. Not right now.
Ilya had a decision to make. He could play it safe and take the sure thing, or he could risk it all for a shot at glory.
It could be because I’m depressed. No. He was fine. Normal. It’s not like he ever stayed in bed all day crying. Neither did Mom.
Fuck
“When you watch it, this is what you will see. Me saying nothing. I wanted to say you are fucking everything to me. Everything. Okay?”
Ilya didn’t want to fight. He was exhausted, and miserable, and his boyfriend was breaking his fucking heart.
Quietly, in a voice that couldn’t disguise his pain, he said, “I already chose you, Hollander.”
“You are a human being with a lot of responsibilities and pressure. You play a physically taxing, dangerous sport for a living. You are hiding a very big secret while also living your life in a spotlight. You are in love with a man you aren’t allowed to be in love with. You are carrying trauma from your childhood that you’ve never allowed yourself to process properly. And also you feel things very deeply. Deeper than maybe anyone realizes.”
You are the best thing in my life. His eyes were blurry, making it hard to type. He quickly swiped at his eyes and kept writing. I love you. Always. Maybe from the first time I saw you.
I am thinking only about you right now. A million memories. Thank you for those. Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it.
He knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted to reach the other side. He wanted that life together. Not in ten years, but now. Because ten years suddenly seemed like an impossible wait.
“I choose you, Ilya. I promise I will always, always choose you.” Shane’s eyes began to shimmer. He took a deep breath and said, “Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov, will you marry me?”
My brain tells me it’s likely, but my brain has lied to me before.” “Brains can be jerks that way.”
“Harris. Are you trying to set me up? Is this a blind date with a dog?”
The secret wasn’t a secret anymore, and it was time to face whatever was about to happen next. Together.
We love you, Ilya! Underneath the sign was a little shelf that held two Funko Pop figures: one of Ilya, and one of Shane.
Oh my god- happy tears
“I hate that you have to fight yourself. But you’re never going to scare me off, okay? And I’m never giving up on you, or on us. So whatever you need, I’m right here.”
