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Shane didn’t know how his boyfriend was able to speak in full sentences. “Shut up.”
Boyfriend 😭
“We should go home. Shower.”
Home🤍
“You’re unfairly handsome in the mornings, you know that?” Ilya grinned. “Tell me in Russian.” Shane’s nose scrunched up in concentration. “Um...ty ochen’ krasiv?”
Ilya shrugged. “Maybe you would think he was nice. Hot. Not a rival hockey player.” He was terrified that one day Shane would realize he could be with someone who wasn’t a dark secret. That it could be easy to love someone.
“Leave the cheese off my salad, okay?” “I know.”
he knows Shane so well….
Yuna placed her hands on Ilya’s shoulders and squeezed, once. “I love that idea.”
“I’m helping,” Ilya couldn’t resist pointing out. “I know you are.” Yuna patted his cheek. “That’s why you’re my favorite son.”
Her favorite son shut up😭
He’d never expected to have this domestic comfort in his life. Not with anyone. He’d never expected to be part of a family, and have parents again.
“I think you’d like what we did today.” Ilya spoke quietly, in Russian, to the sky. “I hope you are proud.”
talking to his momma🩵
He closed his eyes and focused on how good it felt to be with Shane, alone in the dark, and tried not to wish it could be the same in the light.
as well as the loon tattoo near his left shoulder that Shane still couldn’t believe Ilya had gotten.
The loon😭
“We are very good at pretending to not be in love. Maybe we are bad at showing it when we are allowed.”
Sometimes Ilya was so starved for touch he felt like screaming. He felt it most when Shane was close, like he was now, but off-limits.
Right now, in this club in Montreal, he wanted that comfort from the man he was in love with.
Kiss me, Ilya wanted to say. Kiss me and hold me in front of all these people. Pull me onstage and do it. I don’t care anymore. Please. I’m dying. “Nothing,” Ilya said, and stepped away. “Nothing.”
He wants to love shane publicly 😖
He wished he could grab Ilya and pull him closer, kiss him against the back wall of the club until they were both panting.
They both want the same thing 😭 but they can’t have it
Mine, Shane thought. The world doesn’t need to know, because I know.
He’d needed to pull over while driving home that night because he hadn’t been able to see the road through his tears.
The night he saw Ilya while he was with rose and Ilya with another woman…they were so in love
He could feel the heat of Ilya’s gaze even without looking. “I would never stop showing you off,” Ilya said. “If I could.”
Shane wondered if Ilya was as dizzy with happiness as he was.
He knew, rationally, that he wasn’t worthless.
Weak. His brain said it in his father’s voice. Disgusted and cruel.
Poor baby Ilya😭
“Let me guess who that is,” Yuna teased. Ilya winked at her as he walked into the living room and answered the call. “Hi.”
He’s playing Yahtzee with his parent even when he’s not there 😭
“Ya vsegda budu tebya lubit,” Shane replied. “Show-off.”
And then, Shane winked at the camera. Winked. And Ilya knew it was meant for him. “That’s my move!” Ilya said.
Shane said, in Russian, “Do you have plans for me?”
IN RUSSIAN🥰
But all Ilya said was, “I love you so much, Shane.”
It could be because I’m depressed. No. He was fine. Normal. It’s not like he ever stayed in bed all day crying. Neither did Mom.
“Yes. Was probably true. I look at you and I am just...” Ilya opened and closed his fist several times in front of his chest. “My heart goes crazy, you know?”
“When you watch it, this is what you will see. Me saying nothing. I wanted to say you are fucking everything to me. Everything. Okay?”
Shane laughed, glad to be rid of some of the tension that had built inside him. Then, quietly, he said, “You’re everything to me too.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Jackie said. “It’s okay. Mommy will be home soon and you’ll have so much fun with Uncle Ilya.”
Unce Ilya😭
“Thank you, moya gazonokosilka.”
my lawnmower…Ilya is so unserious
Ilya crossed his arms over his chest and mumbled something in Russian. “Huh?” “I think you care too fucking much.” “About what? Us?” “No. About everyone else. Opinions.”
they just need to come out. Poor Shane thinks too deeply
He decided to just go for it. “I feel like, maybe, you’re not okay. Sometimes.”
nooo Shane is noticing that Ilya is going through depression😖
“Roz is never settling down,” Tanner said cheerfully. “He’s a fucking legend.”
But he wants to with Shane 😖
He’d already met the love of his life, and he was head over heels, and he couldn’t tell anyone and it fucking sucked.
“That,” Ilya said as he carefully tugged at the toy, “is very slutty.”
Then, he went inside, closed the door, and burst into tears. When he’d finished crying, some uncertain amount of time later, he felt more exhausted than he had after any hockey game.
He decided that, yes. He should probably get some professional help.
Maybe therapy, like so many things worth doing, hurts when you first start. Ilya knew about pushing through pain.
He didn’t want to tell Shane the truth: that he’d felt off for a while now, and that it was getting worse.
“We are cooking together. Like we used to. I found a recipe that is okay for you.”
Sweet Ilya❤️
They both laughed, and Shane’s heart flipped happily in his chest. He loved quiet, domestic moments like this with Ilya.
