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He closed his eyes and focused on how good it felt to be with Shane, alone in the dark, and tried not to wish it could be the same in the light.
“We are very good at pretending to not be in love. Maybe we are bad at showing it when we are allowed.”
Kiss me, Ilya wanted to say. Kiss me and hold me in front of all these people. Pull me onstage and do it. I don’t care anymore. Please. I’m dying. “Nothing,” Ilya said, and stepped away. “Nothing.”
That fucking loon tattoo staring Shane in the face, practically a brand on Ilya’s skin. Mine, Shane thought. The world doesn’t need to know, because I know.
“Someone might notice my heart eyes.” “Your what?” “Heart eyes. Hayden said I look at you with heart eyes.”
“Yes. Was probably true. I look at you and I am just...” Ilya opened and closed his fist several times in front of his chest. “My heart goes crazy, you know?” Shane’s own heart started going a little crazy. “You should see a doctor about that.” Ilya grinned and shook his head. “Is just being in love, I think.”
“When you watch it, this is what you will see. Me saying nothing. I wanted to say you are fucking everything to me. Everything. Okay?”
“Shane, do you promise to love Ilya and be his husband forever?” Ruby asked. Shane gazed at his ridiculous-looking boyfriend, who smiled back at him. One of the flowers on his headband was holding on by a thread, dangling in front of Ilya’s raised left eyebrow. Suddenly—absurdly—Shane’s throat felt tight. “I do,” he said quietly, and with an embarrassing amount of feeling.
“Ilya,” said Jade, “do you promise to love Shane and be his husband forever?” “I do,” Ilya said. “Forever.” There was a slight tremor in Ilya’s voice, which surprised and relieved Shane. At least Shane wasn’t the only one getting inappropriately emotional.
“Does this mean tonight is our honeymoon?” Shane asked quietly. “Let’s pretend it is.”
“There were moments today where I felt like I was looking into our future.” Ilya pulled back to meet Shane’s gaze. “And it was okay?” “It was amazing.”
He’d already met the love of his life, and he was head over heels, and he couldn’t tell anyone and it fucking sucked.
The next morning, when the sun had just begun to rise, Ilya watched Shane drive away. He stood on his front step for several minutes after, staring in the direction the car had gone, and shivering in his gym shorts and T-shirt. Then, he went inside, closed the door, and burst into tears. When he’d finished crying, some uncertain amount of time later, he felt more exhausted than he had after any hockey game. He was crumpled on the floor, slumped against his front door, and standing up seemed like an insurmountable feat. He decided that, yes. He should probably get some professional help.
That some days he missed Shane so much it felt like claws were digging into his heart.
“How could they not know?” Shane said. “How could anyone have seen this—seen you—and not known about us?” Ilya had displayed his heart so openly, smashed against the ice as unmistakably as Shane’s broken body. “I don’t know,” Ilya said.
Quietly, in a voice that couldn’t disguise his pain, he said, “I already chose you, Hollander.”
He stared at his phone for several minutes after the call ended, trying to will Ilya to text him back. When no messages came, Shane opened Instagram and scrolled through Ilya’s posts. He never paid much attention to them, especially since Ilya mostly posted photos of random things he saw, and rarely posted selfies. The most recent post was from yesterday—Christmas—and it was of the foosball table Shane had given him. No caption. He scrolled and found a photo of the exercise ball Shane had been balancing on in Ilya’s gym. One of the latest puzzle Ilya had completed with Shane’s dad. One of
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“I take it,” she finally said, “that Shane is not ready to go public.” “No. I don’t even know if I’m ready. But some days I think I’ll scream or die if I have to keep this secret any longer.”
You are the best thing in my life. His eyes were blurry, making it hard to type. He quickly swiped at his eyes and kept writing. I love you. Always. Maybe from the first time I saw you.
I am thinking only about you right now. A million memories. Thank you for those. Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it.
“I don’t have a plan for anything beyond this,” Shane confessed, “but I know what I want. There’s nothing in my life that matters to me more than you, Ilya.”
“I choose you, Ilya. I promise I will always, always choose you.” Shane’s eyes began to shimmer. He took a deep breath and said, “Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov, will you marry me?”
“We’ll deal with it,” he said with not nearly enough confidence. “Deal with it?” Ilya said with a smile. “I can’t fucking wait.”
As they bent for the face-off at the beginning of the third, Ilya noticed a glint of gold, on Shane’s neck. “You have a chain now?” Ilya asked quietly. “Yeah,” Shane said. “And a ring.” Ilya smiled, and totally lost the face-off.
“Shane,” he said quietly after a couple of minutes. “If we are getting married—” “If? Of course we are.”
“It’s not fair that you don’t have your family here on your wedding day,” David said, “and I’m not trying to overstep, but—” That was all Ilya let him get out before he engulfed David in a tight hug. “My family is here,” he said simply, and with surprising steadiness.
She said a bunch of words that were probably very nice, but Ilya was only focused on Shane. He looked so handsome and so happy. It was hard to believe this was the same person Ilya had tried to ignore in a Saskatchewan arena parking lot thirteen years ago. Except the freckles were the same. The dark, intelligent eyes and long black lashes. The adorable little nose, and the soft, enticing lips. Those were all the same. The way Ilya’s heart went fucking bananas when he looked at him was the same.
