Atmosphere

by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Joan looked around the room, put her drink down, and left her own goodbye party early.

Vanessa pretended to consider this. Then she said, “I mean, joking aside, if it does come down to you versus me, or me versus that guy Griff, or whatever—I hope I don’t do it with both elbows out, knocking everyone down. I hope I wait until I fully earn it instead of trying to steal the chance out from under someone. I want it bad, but still, I hope I do it right.”

“I always had the top grade in the class. And I would come home and brag about how I helped this boy who sat next to me who was struggling with times tables. Or I helped this girl with her spelling. Then one day, this boy joins our class and he’s really good at math. Not as good as me, but almost. And he asks me for help. And I told him I’d think about it. But…I didn’t want to. Bobby Simpson. I was so scared that he’d take the top score from me. I told my mom that I wasn’t going to help him, and my mom said that if I was going to be proud of myself for being generous, that I had to do it even when it meant I might lose something. She said, ‘You have to have something on the line, for it to be called character.’ ” Vanessa looked at her. Joan shrugged. “Maybe that’s you. Character when it counts.”

She had been kissed, a few times, by Adam Hawkins. And she had not cared for it. She was not offended or grossed out. But it felt, to her, like people were making a very big deal out of what was, essentially, no different from eating a cracker.

lmfaooo

And then, more quietly, Vanessa says, “I…I don’t know how to get into the suit without help. It was hard enough getting it off.” “Understood,” Joan says. “Tell me what you need from us.” “You can’t help me,” Vanessa says. “No one can.” Joan does not know what to say. “Copy that,” she says, finally. It is so useless.

“You and I…” Joan says. “We will do this together.” “I’m…” Vanessa says. “I’m grateful you’re the one in that chair today, Goodwin. I’m glad it’s you.”

She closes her eyes and begs the unfolding cosmos: Please. Please don’t take Vanessa.

gay tears

“Yeah, how terribly accomplished of me. I doodle.” “Why are you calling them doodles? Why are you doing that? All I’m trying to tell you is that I’ve only ever really loved one thing. Being in the sky. But I look at you, and you are so curious about everything. Not just about the planets and galaxies and the stars. But Earth. About the people on it. That’s what I admire.” “My curiosity?” “Your commitment to the world around you. How much you care. You are so thoughtful. About everything.”

Joan suspected that liking the view of herself through Vanessa’s eyes was dangerous. She just wasn’t sure how.

The closet is made of glass

“Oh, looks like you left something,” she said as she grabbed a piece of paper, half-buried in the sheets. “It’s nothing,” Joan said. “Don’t look at it. You don’t need to.” But Vanessa did look at it, and then she smiled. “Oh, I do know you,” she said. “I know you so well. I know you exactly, Joan Goodwin.”

Right right exactly

She tries not to think of baby Thea and the fact that Thea will never remember the way Hank held her on Thanksgiving. The way Donna kept asking to take her, and Hank always shook his head. “No,” she’d heard Hank say. “Please don’t. Let me have her.” Thea will never remember the way it felt to be in her father’s arms like that. Her father will be someone people tell Thea about.

It is dark inside the payload bay, and there is still much to be done.

She sees the blood drain out of Ray’s face. “Flight, Surgeon. John Griffin is dead.”

NOOOOOOO

Hank is gone. Steve is gone. Now Griff is gone, too.

It should have been Lydia

Let’s fucking go.

hell yeah Joanie

Donna once told her that if one of them had to die, between her and Hank, she hoped it would be her. Vanessa didn’t believe her, but Donna insisted. “And it’s not for some stupid-ass reason like I can’t live without him,” Donna said. “I can. I did for thirty years before I met the son of a bitch. It’s because he’s the better parent. He loves our baby more. I know you can’t compare love, but I love her so much and he loves her even more, Vanessa.”

This is so fucked up

Everyone started cheering. Joan caught Vanessa’s eye and, this time, could not bring herself to look away. Vanessa smiled.

“Well, how do you like that?” Barbara said. “My big sister is an astronaut.”

When Joan got down to the lobby, Vanessa was leaning against a column, wearing faded Levi’s and a black belt, with a crisp white button-front shirt, the sleeves rolled up on her forearms. Her hair was still drying around her face.

Butch queen

Could you burn up from a gaze this bright upon you? “Oh.”

Joan beamed and tried to hold back her smile. In all of her time spent watching others, she hadn’t picked up on this part of falling in love, that someone could look at you as if you were the very center of everything. And even though you knew better, you’d allow yourself a moment to believe you were worthy of being revolved around, too.

my shaylaaaaa

I want to spend my energy thinking not of how my actions might be frowned upon by a man in the sky, but how my actions affect every living and non-living thing around me. Life is God. My life is tied to yours, and to everyone’s on this planet. How does that not instantly make us more in debt to one another? And also offer us the comfort that we are not alone?”

As they passed, Joan said, “November ’84.” Vanessa beamed. And then the two of them walked on in different directions, not skipping a beat.

“I love you,” Vanessa said. “And I’m sorry.” “I know,” Joan said. “It’s okay.”

No it isn't !!! :,(

So much pretending.

“Listen to me,” Joan said. “I was circling two hundred miles above the Earth, and all I wanted was to get home and see you. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I don’t care how big or small this world is, that you are the center of mine? Do you understand that, to someone, you are everything that matters on this entire planet?” “Okay,” Frances said again. This time Joan could hear the lump in her throat.

Vanessa started losing track of her breath as she broke down. “What an awful thing to do to a person! To make them believe they can have the things they never believed they deserved. And then take it away. What an awful thing.” “I’m sorry,” Joan said. “I’m so sorry.” Joan, staring out the window, saw Vanessa looking at up her. “Please don’t make me go,” Vanessa said, crying harder now. “Please.” “But you might lose everything you dreamed of.” “Then I’ll lose it,” Vanessa said. “Let them take it. Just don’t let them take you.”

“You are courageous, Vanessa Ford,” Joan says. “Beyond all measure. You have proven yourself to be of stunning character. And I believe your father would be proud.”