The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

I was 41 when I hit rock bottom and created the 5 Second Rule to help me get out of bed. I was 44 when I had that anxiety attack on the TEDx stage. I was 46 when I got my first speaking paycheck. I was 49 when I self-published my first book, The 5 Second Rule. I was 50 when I started my media production company. And I was 54 when I launched The Mel Robbins podcast, one of the most popular and fastest-growing podcasts in the world.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it. You’re never going to feel like going to the gym. One day you just make yourself go. You’re never going to feel like having that hard conversation. One day you just get sick of avoiding it, and you force yourself to have it. You’ll never feel like looking for a better job. One day you just push yourself to start looking.

All human beings have a hardwired need for control.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

when something hurts, the hurt doesn’t just disappear. It rises up again and again. So don’t be surprised when you find yourself having to repeat Let Them again and again.

Faxxx

Their choice to go away didn’t have to make me feel bad, but my attempts to control the situation were making me feel horrible.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

Focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power lies.

Anytime you internalize other people’s thoughts, actions, and feelings as evidence that somehow you’re a bad person or you’ve done something wrong, you just gave other people power. And it shifts the dynamic and balance in the relationship. You feel beneath them.

According to Dr. Nerurkar, stress causes you to doubt yourself, procrastinate, burn out, doomscroll, and struggle with comparison. If you’re having trouble focusing, feeling happy, or taking care of yourself, the reason is stress.

Your silence can’t be misquoted.

When you let other people stress you out, you surrender your power to things that either don’t matter or are beyond your control.

learning to protect your energy will improve your mood, mindset, health, focus, and ability to disconnect and unplug.

Yes, it may take you six months to land something amazing, but those six months are going to go by whether you do nothing or you go after what you want.

And you want to know what else is on you? Your dumb excuses for why you are not looking for another job. You have so much more power than you think. It’s time to start acting like it.

Your response to every situation is going to be unique and different every time. There will be days when I just don’t have the energy to chase this woman down, hand her a doggie bag, ask her to pick it up, explain the implications of what’s going on, and request that she do her part.

Let Me is an opportunity for you to put your time, energy, and values at the center of your life.

We live in a moment where we are more polarized than ever, the stakes feel so high, and everyone seems so far apart and either angry or scared about where things are (or both).

Talk is cheap. If it really bothers you, dedicate some time and energy to changing it. Over and over again, regardless of what situations and circumstances in which you find yourself using the Let Them Theory, you’ll learn that no matter how big the problem is or how stressful something feels, there’s

You get to choose when a job or relationship or issue is worth fighting for, and when it’s time to leave.

This is the hard part. But if you think about it. Its really not. We lowkey highkey know whats best for ud

You will feel the anger and agitation hit. You can’t control the emotions that rise up inside of you. But you can learn how to reset your stress response so your emotions don’t hijack you.

SO FUCKING TRUE

What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?

I am telling you this story to prove two points: First, even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them.

MaN!!!!

It takes an extraordinarily mature person to be able to detach from their emotions and want to step into someone else’s shoes. It’s hard to understand that someone can love you and have opinions that are deeply hurtful and at times bigoted.

You are so much more powerful than you believe.

People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Most people haven’t gone to therapy, haven’t looked at their issues, and they don’t want to.

Let Me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create, based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have.

And it might mean separating yourself because you no longer are willing to accept less than you deserve.

If kids are not allowed to experience the full wave of emotion (without an adult saying “calm down” or “this is silly” or “you’re overreacting”), they never learn how to process normal human emotions in a healthy way. Instead, they become an emotionally immature adult who takes it out on the rest of us.

I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our feelings. People tended to just erupt in anger when they got overwhelmed and then pretend nothing had happened. Which is why I always erupted in anger and frustration when my kids got upset. I was just repeating the same dynamic I experienced in my own childhood.

I am going to say it again: It’s your responsibility to help a child create space to process their own range of emotions. But it is not your responsibility to manage another adult’s emotional reactions.

Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself. Hold yourself to a higher standard and stop allowing this type of emotionally immature behavior to be your responsibility to manage.

Even as I am writing the Let Them Theory book and using Let Them in my life, I’m constantly learning how to create space to process my own range of emotions. This is the hardest part of the Let Them Theory to put into practice—learning to feel my raw emotions without immediately reacting. It’s hard. I still catch myself wanting to snap back or immediately take control of the situation . . . all the time. And yes, I still get frustrated when I slip up. But that’s the point: It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow. It’s a lifelong process, and many days, it feels like I’m starting all over again. I know this is a skill I will be working on for the rest of my life, and so will you.

Its comforting to know that im not alolne and im not crazy to feel likke this

Here’s how you use the Let Them Theory to process your own emotions in a healthy way: When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them.

You will never be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses, because they are automatic—just like how your stress response turns on automatically. But you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, the world around you, or the emotions that are rising up inside of you. That’s the source of all your power.

there will be times when making the right decision for yourself is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in life.

Man!!

There will be many times in your life when people are going to be mad, disappointed, or heartbroken by the things you say or do. There just will be. You have to be able to separate yourself from your emotions and the emotional reactions of others when you’re determining the right decision to make.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them.

The timing

People are allowed to be upset when you change your mind and disappointed or heartbroken when you break up. People are allowed to be depressed when they lose their job.

The fact is, every human being is dealt a different hand in life and you can’t control the cards that someone else is holding. The more time you spend staring at someone else, the more you miss the entire point of the game.

What I’ve found is that being happier requires you to allow yourself to be happier. It is impossible to enjoy your life or love yourself and beat yourself up at the same time.

Clock ittttt!!!

There is enough happiness, success, friendship, and money to go around for absolutely everyone including you. It is in limitless supply.

The problem isn’t the tendency to compare. The problem is not using comparison to your advantage.

Maybe you’ve been playing so small that you can’t see how big and beautiful your life could be. Maybe you’re so used to doing things the way you’ve always done them, you’ve been reluctant to try a new way.

In life, if you’re not motivated to do something, it’s going to take something painful to force you to change.

But if you’re serious about being successful or healthy or achieving your goals, you have no time to be upset, and you cannot afford to waste your energy being jealous. You need that energy, because you have work to do.

This is the moment you stop trying to control what others think, feel, or do—and start using your time and energy to create the best chapter of your

If all you ever do is stay on the surface wasting your time and energy on other people and on things beyond your control, you will never discover the deeper meaning and possibilities in your life.

You have a beautiful and amazing life to live. You have potential beyond your imagination. You are not limited by where you live, or the circumstances you are facing, or the aspects of your life that you believe are limitations.