Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

Learning to communicate and listen empathically is a vital part of parenting. At the heart of this openness is parental presence—the receptive state in which we take in the signals from others and have compassion and kindness in our interactions. Caring communication supports the development of a healthy attachment that is especially important in building a trusting parent-child relationship. Studies performed across many cultures suggest that a common element in healthy attachments is the ability of the parent and child to have a reciprocal give-and-take of signals. This is called contingent communication and means that the signals sent by the child are directly perceived, understood, and responded to by the parent in a dance of communication that involves mutual collaboration. Parents feel good and their children feel good, too, when interactions are respectful and responsive to each individual. This contingent communication enables a vitalizing sense of connection that may be at the heart of nurturing relationships across the life span. This is how we “feel felt” by another person, the gateway to how a “me” joins with another and becomes a part of a “we.”