Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

In contingent communication the receiver of the message listens with an open mind and with all his or her senses. Her reaction is dependent on what was actually communicated, not on a predetermined and rigid mental model of what was expected. The exchange occurs in the present moment without preoccupation with internal events of the past. Contingent communication is full of possibility for connecting because instead of responding in a rote manner, a parent responds to the signals actually sent by the child. In contingent communication the parent gives respect to the act of listening. So often parents don’t listen to the message their child expresses because they are preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings. A child’s true message is not always immediately apparent and a parent may have to “decode” the message in order to understand it. It’s important to remember that even if your children’s messages don’t immediately make sense to you, they are trying to get their needs met in the best way they can at that point