Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

Parents help teach children to regulate this emotional clutch in order to balance their accelerator and brakes. In order to do this, a parent needs to be able to tolerate the tension and discomfort that a child may experience when the parent sets a limit. If a parent cannot tolerate a child’s being upset it is very difficult for the child to learn to regulate her emotions. A limit-setting “no” is best followed by calm, clear follow-through by the parent. If we always capitulate and give our child what she wants just to keep her from being upset, we will not support our child in developing a healthy ability to apply the brakes and redirect an activity. It is not necessary or even helpful to verbally reason with our children all the time. If we only value the logical mind, we’ll get into endless arguments and negotiations, and our children will think that if they make a reasonable argument, we should always act according to their wishes. Sometimes it’s okay to say, “No, that’s just not okay with me” or “I understand how you feel, but I’m not going to change my mind.” We don’t have to explain all of our decisions or give a reason for everything we do and expect our children to readily agree with us.