Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

The mother tries to put the child off so that she can complete her own goal before attending to her child. The child becomes more upset, cries louder, lies down on the floor, and starts kicking his feet against the wall. This annoys the tired mother, who doesn’t want to hear the banging or wash the scuff marks off the wall. The mother feels that her child is being unreasonable and demanding. She says sternly, “I’m not going to play with you unless you stop that kicking right now!” On hearing this, the child experiences an even greater disconnection because of his mother’s anger toward him. He now becomes even more upset and takes a swing at his mother. Now the mother doesn’t want to give her child any positive attention because in her mind he’s not behaving well and the mother doesn’t want to reinforce this “bad behavior.” The child’s message of how important it was to reconnect with his mother after a long day of separation wasn’t received and he began acting out of frustration at not being understood. He then continued to seek and get connection, albeit through negative ways.