If we scream and yell at a child when she complains after we say “no,” we will generate the unfortunate response of deepening a sense of toxic shame and humiliation. With toxic shame, the child feels disconnected from us, misunderstood, and as though his or her impulses are “bad” rather than misguided and in need of rechanneling. If a child also experiences anger from the parent, then the prefrontal region may have brakes applied (after “no”) with continued accelerator application (in response to the parental anger). This is a toxic situation, like trying to drive a car with both the
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