Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

Children who do not have these important limit-setting experiences may have an underdevelopment of the emotional clutch, which is a building block of response flexibility. Parents who don’t want to be identified as the “bad parent” often resist setting limits and are unable to provide their children with these important developmental experiences. Their child’s emotional clutch is not developed enough to allow her to rechannel her energy in productive ways. One of our roles as parents is to facilitate our children’s development of their ability to balance the brakes and accelerators that enable them to delay gratification and modify their impulses. This means that our children learn to hear “no” but also to maintain their spirit and belief in themselves. These are essential components of emotional intelligence. Your child is excited about throwing toys or climbing on the kitchen counters. We say “no.” The brakes are slammed on. We help to redirect him toward actions that will satisfy both his energy and his desire for movement so we say, “You could go outside and get that basket of balls. I bet you could throw those really far,” or “The counters aren’t for climbing but you could go outside and climb to the top of the tower by your swing set. You could probably see really far from up there.” Now the accelerator is turned on again when the child senses your attunement to his inner state of excitement about throwing or climbing; the brakes turn off as the accelerator now redir...