Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

Or let’s imagine that your child enthusiastically expresses a desire for a particular toy that she has seen advertised and you respond with, “Oh, no, you don’t really want that—it’s just a piece of junk.” Your child just told you that she does want it, which doesn’t mean that you have to get it for her, but you can acknowledge her desire. “That toy really looks like it would be fun to play with. Tell me what you like about it.” If she continues to insist on getting the toy right away, you can say, “I see that it is hard to wait when you like it so much. Maybe you want me to write it down so when it is time to get a present, I’ll know what you might like to have.” When parents understand that they can let their children have and express their desires without having to fulfill them, it frees the parent to make a connection to the child’s experience without having to deny their feelings. Here’s another more extreme example