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December 19, 2024 - March 6, 2025
“I don’t care if it was drawn by Blake Lively herself. It’s on your necks, and it’s huge. What if you get transferred?”
The Inevitable Ruin. That’s what their queen used to call this moment. The moment you realized there was no hope, nothing left to do, and all that was left was to die and reflect upon what you’ve already done while you waited. To ruminate on how you’ve helped the colony, and to beg forgiveness of God for not sacrificing enough.
“Can someone explain to the new kids who that was supposed to be?” Donut asked the room. “My word. It was like someone put the late Empress D’Nadia through Weight Watchers, dipped her in oil, and dangled her upside down. That was quite an upsetting image.”
“In the eternal words of my mulleted friend, Holger. You done stuck your pecker in the wrong beehive.”
Samantha turned to Bautista. “See? She’s very passionate about you, but you aren’t passionate enough about her. You are a mighty Tigran, but you act like a lamb. Throw her on the ground and make love to her right here and now. I will watch and give tips.” She made a little growl. “And if she refuses, you and I can have a go at it. We will drive both of our exes mad with jealous rage. And afterward, I will kill her mother.”
Donut: IT BETTER HAVE WORKED AFTER YOU FORCED IMANI TO PERMANENTLY DISFIGURE HERSELF. Katia: Donut, didn’t we agree you were going to stop complaining about the tattoos? It’s not a disfigurement. Imani’s tattoo is tiny compared to the one I did on Carl. Donut: I’M SORRY, BUT A PAMELA ANDERSON TATTOO IS MOST CERTAINLY A DISFIGUREMENT. I KNOW THIS IS IMPORTANT, BUT SOMETIMES I WORRY ABOUT THE COST.
Donut: THIS ISN’T THE 1990’s. I SWEAR TO GOD IF IMANI STARTS USING THE PHRASE “HOME SKILLET,” I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.
Donut: WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Prepotente: I did not come this far to run. Katia: Me neither, Carl. God or not. I’m staying. Donut: GOD? YOU’RE FIGHTING A GOD? THERE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE GODS YET!
System Message: The Sepsis Whore of the Blood Sultanate has fallen. Credit for the kill has been given to Kandy “Bigs” Newton of the Princess Posse. System Message: The Blood Sultanate has been defeated. System Message: All assets of the Blood Sultanate, as per prior arrangement, have been split evenly with the surviving blood relatives of the Sepsis Whore, Warlord Princess Donut and General Katia Grim, both of the Princess Posse. As per prior arrangement, all assets have been forfeited to the Princess Posse. Katia: Who the hell is Kandy Newton, and where the hell are you, Carl? Donut: YOU DID
...more
“Milk?” I asked. And even though she didn’t know who I was before this, in that moment, she did. I could see it. I could feel it. This was my sister, and I was her brother, and we now both knew it.
But in that moment as I realized the creature standing before me was the author of the sixth edition of the cookbook, my sister, and that she’d been here the whole time, something inside of me ... changed. I didn’t break. No. I wasn’t broken. I will not be broken.
Donut: I AM A WARLORD. I DON’T ASK PERMISSION. I GIVE ORDERS. BUT I WILL WARN THEM. BUT NOW I CAN ALSO USE BARD SPELLS.
Donut: I KNOW I CAN DO THIS, CARL. I AM A WARLORD.
Rosetta: Donut, you’re up. Officially handing off the southern campaign to you. Donut: AND SO IT BEGINS.
The Nest was instead built to have synergy with something called Atrocity-class spells. Donut had several, including her new one. War Crime.
Donut: SAY THE WORD, AND DEATH WILL RAIN IN MY NAME.
System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has committed an atrocity. Donut: WELL, I NEVER. THAT WAS VERY RUDE.
Donut: IN MY DEFENSE, I DIDN’T KNOW THE DINK WAS GOING TO BE SUCKED INTO THE SPELL, TOO. THE BACK END IS JUST SLOPPED OUT THE BACK LIKE THE BALL FORGOT TO ZIP UP.
Donut: IT’S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN JUST A GIANT ROBOT TO DISTRACT THAT GOD. HE’S TRYING TO GET HIS STOLEN WIENER BACK. GUYS ARE PRETTY SINGLE-MINDED WHEN IT COMES TO THAT SORT OF THING.
Donut: OH, GOOD! I’LL START A BATTLE PLAYLIST. THE BALL WILL GET TO THE CORPSES IN LIKE TEN MINUTES. PEOPLE MESSAGE ME YOUR SONGS.
Donut: HARPOCRATES RIPPED THE GIANT ROBOT IN HALF AND THREW HALF OF IT AT ME! IT DIDN’T FLY FAR ENOUGH TO GET TO ME, BUT HE’S COMING IN MY DIRECTION NOW. I TURNED THE MUSIC OFF, BUT HE’S STILL COMING! I’M THINKING I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID SO MANY MEAN THINGS TO HIM. GUYS SURE ARE SENSITIVE WHEN YOU MAKE FUN OF THEIR WIENERS. HE EVEN MARKED ME FOR DEATH! Carl: Get out of the tower! Someone get Donut out of there!
Li Jun: Sister. Tell Zhang I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye to his face. Tell him I won our bet. And you. Protect him. I want you to be kind to the others. This was my decision. I had to do it. I know you get angry. If you must, be angry with me. I love you with all I have. I love you with the moon and the sun and all the stars in the sky. I will see you soon, and I will tell mama you said hello.
Tipid: Maybe Donut should start blowing up the city defense towers? Donut: I ONLY HAVE TWO PAWS, TIPID. Louis: Don’t you have four? Donut: LOUIS FOCUS ON YOUR OWN SAFETY RIGHT NOW.
Mordecai, who was sitting at the table with Ruby on his lap, reading a book. The cleaner bot hovered nearby and also appeared to be listening to the story. Anne of Green Gables, which gave me pause. My grandparents had that book in their home in Texas. I remembered my mom had said it was one of the few things from her own childhood that they’d kept when they’d moved.
When Big Things happen on such a large scale, it’s easy to forget sometimes that these Big Things are also happening to the little things in the world.
Samantha: THROW IN A HALL PASS NIGHT WITH LOUIS, AND YOU HAVE A DEAL.
Carl: I am coming, Donut. Donkey Kong. Start it now.
“Justice? There’s no room for justice here. But there’s plenty enough room in this world for another dead rottweiler!”
A terrible, deep giggling filled the night.
Donut: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT SHAKE WEIGHT THING MISS BEATRICE HAD? THAT’S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. IT’S OBSCENE!
Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved.
Donut: WE’RE NOT READY YET. ROSETTA AND EDGAR ARE TRYING TO DEFILE MY ASS.
Donut: CARL, WHAT THE HECK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? IS SHE HITTING ON YOU?
Katia told me not to tell you because she says you’ll Carl it up.” “Carl it up? What the hell does that mean?”
System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has committed a third Atrocity.
Temporary effect from Meatus: Your dick will fall off if you get an erection. “What the fuck?” I exclaimed.
Elle: It’s not the first time I’ve woken up stinking like a stranger’s wang, believe me.
Elle: Don’t pretend you don’t know what went down on canasta night. Look, Donut. That was a complete shitshow. We lost people from the towers when we woke up. Some of us got burned by fleshers. Several lost limbs. It wasn’t pretty, but you pulled through for all of us in a way nobody else could. Not even Carl. What you did... Nobody is ever going to forget it. You are a goddamn hero.
Epitome Tagg: By the gods. That orc princess was right. We should have blown the failsafe weeks ago. By the gods. The Champion of Nekhebit: HEY, HOW DID YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME? Warlord Carl: Yeah, we’re looking for you, too, buddy. The Champion of Nekhebit: NO, SERIOUSLY. THIS IS ANNOYING. Epitome Tagg: For the sake of the gods, it’s in the notification menu. Section four. WARLORD DONUT: IT WORKED! THANKS! WE’RE STILL GOING TO KILL YOU, THOUGH!
Samantha: THEY’RE ALL BEEPING AND RUNNING OFF. DON’T KILL ALL OF THEM. I WANT TO KEEP ONE AS A PET ONCE JUICE BOX GIVES ME MY BODY BACK. THERE’S ONE I NAMED BUSTER THAT I AM NOW EMOTIONALLY BONDED WITH. YOU’LL KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE’S THE ONE WITH HIS LOWER JAW REMOVED. OH, I TOOK THE EXPLODEY PART OFF HIM TOO.
