This Inevitable Ruin (Dungeon Crawler Carl #7)

by Matt Dinniman

But poor, naïve Paulie... he’s taught me a thing or two about compassion. Not all humans have it, but it’s there, and when it shines... It’s so bright.

“That’s pretty badass, all right,” I said. “And it’s ghillie suit. Not ghoulie.” She gasped. “So you know what that is? Mordecai had no idea. It sounds absolutely menacing and divine.” I laughed. “I do know what that is. We’ll keep it as a surprise.”

“I am absolutely not wearing this.

“Yes, Carl,” the potion bottle said, his voice deep and demonic. “Drink me. Drink me deep. Put me inside of you.” “What the shit?” I asked as Donut hissed. “That’s how you know it’s a good potion,” Mordecai said, grinning.

I grinned and gave Donut a pat. “Don’t worry. You’ll always be my number one girl.”

Someone’s name can have a direct effect on the path they take in life. For example, have you ever met someone named Lacey who wasn’t a complete trainwreck? Or a boy named Jason who didn’t think he was always the main character? Names are important, Carl.

The Semeru people lived here in relative peace. They farmed. They mined. They learned. They lived, laughed, loved. Yeah, fuck you. I like that expression.

They’d come to help fight their former captors. Even when I managed to get the protections turned off, they still came. I was, again, overwhelmed with emotion.

The little girl gave me a chilling smile. “I shouldn’t have to think about killing outworlders? Why shouldn’t I? Have they stopped thinking about trying to kill me?”

“Nihit?” I asked the naga. “Is that you? How’s your neck?”

YEAH FUCK YOU

You do know what came over you. I want you to throw that ring away, Carl. It’s not worth it. It’s doing something to you. You’re scaring me. You’re scaring me. The words were like a slap to my face. How many times had my mother said that to my father? Still, my finger itched. I took a deep breath.

“Spoiler alert,” Donut said. “The good guys win. That’s what happens on shows like that.” She suddenly hissed and cast Hole in a seemingly empty spot right in front of us. She cast and snapped the spell off. Half of a Monkeywrencher appeared on the ground. A grenade rolled away as he toppled over. We all ducked as it went off. The blast painted the ground with mercenary guts. “Awesome, Donut!” I said, patting her on the head. She was absolutely rigid as she scanned for more enemies.

I exchanged a look with Imani, who was staring at Donut open-mouthed. “Comrades?” Imani asked as I reached up and grabbed Rend. He giggled incoherently. “She’s been hanging out with Rosetta too much.” “This warlord thing suits her,” Imani said. She sounded a little sad. I felt it, too.

“For the Posse!” Donut roared, and as one, we charged.

He felt so loved, so protected he could just burst. When he felt that love, he would sing. He knew not to sing in the market, because that was a secret, and he was protecting her just as much as she was protecting him. But later, when they were back outside and his belly was full, he would sing for Mistress Henspar. He would sit on her shoulder and sing, and she would have salty-tasting tears spring down her cheeks. It wasn’t until later, his body transformed as he stood over her, screaming, trying to protect her from the scags, did he finally realize he never deserved that affection. You’re supposed to protect those you love.

This part wrecked me and it was so unexpected

You can’t unknow the universe any more than you can unbite the shopkeeper or you can turn back time and stop a crossbow bolt from shattering everything you’ve ever held dear.

He pressed a button on his console. Music started to play. It was “classical piano” music from Earth. He’d recently become obsessed with it. This was by someone named Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. It made Volteeg’s heart swell. It made salty tears run down his own cheeks. He wondered if it was similar to the music Prepotente’s owner, Miriam Dom, would’ve played for the goat before he’d taken his pet biscuit.

Why didn’t you tell me? Porthus had asked. Because I am ashamed at my inaction, Volteeg had replied. And it was true.

“Oh, I get it. Now that you’re in danger, this is all suddenly super important? Fuck off, Orren.”

I didn’t hesitate. “I’ll be happy to tell you everything I know, but first,” I held out my hand and started counting fingers. “I want the crawl to immediately end. I want every crawler still alive in the dungeon to be set free. I want every available Syndicate asset used to help rebuild what you stole. Also, I don’t know what’s going on up there on the surface, but if any of you guys are fighting my guys, I want that to stop, too. And after you clean up your mess, I want you to leave our system, and I want you to never return.”

I blinked. Was this a hallucination? “Growler Gary?” I asked hesitantly. The hyena bartender from the fourth floor leaned against the door and took a swig of his vodka. “I’m sorry, gentleman, but I’m afraid I must intervene.”

“Carl? What’s happening? Oh, hi Orren!” She gasped. “Gary? You’re alive? Carl, look! It’s Growler Gary! How did you get here? I thought you died!” “Growler Gary never died,” Gary said. “He was on a key hold, meaning he regenerated each time.” “It’s okay, Donut,” I said, rubbing her back. I gave her three quick taps to warn her of the danger. “It’s a long story.”

“She looks like Agatha,” Orren said drily. “Agatha?” Donut asked. “The smelly homeless lady with the squeaky shopping cart? Oh, Gary. Are you really that desperate? I’m sure she’s nice, but certainly you can do better than that. I don’t know about hygiene standards in your part of the galaxy, but let’s just say I hope you at least have a raincoat to...”

“What’s coming?” she asked. The inevitable ruin, I thought. The thought came immediately to me, without pause. I felt a chill.

Some of the sluggalos heard him insult her, and you know how protective they are of Imani, so they tore off after the goat even though he’s flying. Half of them are sliming their way across naga territory whooping their weird little heads off, leaving rivers of their orange goo everywhere. The other half took one of the carts.

I HAD THIS, AND YOU HAVE RUINED MY PLANS. AGAIN. YOU ARE ALWAYS RUINING MY PLANS. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, AND THIS TIME I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU. THERE WILL BE NO MORE WARM HUGS FROM ME. YOU ARE BANNED! SO HELP ME IF SHE GETS AWAY, I WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE. I SPIT! I SPIT IN YOUR EYE!

I was about to drop the next bomb when I felt the sluggalo burst out of my back. He—actually, a she—slipped out from under my shirt, whooped loudly, and planted a hatchet right between Vinata’s eyes, killing her. “Yeah, bitch! Right in the nugget!” the sluggalo woman shouted. She looked down at me as Vinata’s lifeless body slipped off of me and to the side. “I wish I had feet. I’d make me some snakeskin boots!”

Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved.

Donut was back in my arms, cuddled against me, her eyes closed. “It’s okay to cry,” I said. “Not yet,” she said after a moment. “We’re not done yet.” “No,” I said. “No, I guess we’re not.”

😭

You have given me something I didn’t think I had anymore. Burn it all to the ground.” I gave my sister a hug.

System Message: The Princess Posse has won Faction Wars. Congratulations, Champions.

😭😭😭😭

Temporary effect from Eileithyia: All damage you strike against female opponents is quartered. All female members of your party strike with a melee power of 500%. Girl power, bitches!

yeah, bitches!!!!

As the fire engulfed him, finally giving rest to a soul that had been so tired for such a very long time, Justice Light cawed into the air.

“And I’d probably be saying, ‘Go fuck yourself, Quasar. Don’t you hear it?’” “Hear what?” “The sound of nobody dying. The sound of nobody screaming. Just silence. I could live here, in this room.”