If It Can't Be Us (Chicago Series Book 1)

by Erin Cornia

“Rolled,” I hear them say. “Drunk Driver. Didn’t make it. Pregnant. The baby didn’t make it…your husband didn’t make it.” I can’t breathe. Someone is telling me to hold on.

To the girl who turned my ordinary life into something incredible. You make every day worth living. I can’t wait to make more memories with you. I Love You, -Ben-

Leo’s playful teasing brings a wave of nostalgia that feels strangely comforting. It reminds me of the way Ben used to joke around, making every interaction light and fun, no matter the situation.

We both have something we aren’t necessarily hiding, but aren’t completely truthful about either. And I think we just know that when the time is right, and we feel ready, we will share it with each other.

I don’t know what’s come over me tonight. I can’t take my eyes off her.

Vivian is my friend, and I’ve made that very clear. I like her too much to do anything stupid to fuck it up.

her confidence radiating, and I find myself more and more attracted to her. She’s funny, attractive, athletic, and loyal… she’s the whole package.

“Jesus, Walker… you’re stunning,” I say, suddenly dropping her hands, aware of my escalating thoughts and body’s response.

But today is my wedding anniversary.

I’ll also write Ben a letter. My therapist said it’s good to have something to do every year to honor and remember him. This is what I did last year, so I plan to do it again this year, and every year after.

The anger. The hurt. The sadness. The ache. The guilt. The fear. And then… I let the tears come.

I’ve only attached emotions to sex with one person, and that completely backfired. Since then, I’ve vowed to never attach sex to feelings, to only allow it to be something fun, a playful means to an end.

as a therapist, I’ve stared myself down in that mirror plenty of times, but I don’t want to fix it, and I don’t want to change. Love is not in the cards for me.

You are perfectly imperfect in this fucked-up journey of healing.”

“Every woman that I’ve ever loved has either left me, cheated… or died.”

“I had a twin sister… Chloe.” Her name brings a fleeting smile to his lips. “God, she was great. She was my best friend. She was diagnosed with leukemia when she was twelve.

“You remind me of her sometimes. Your strength and ability to stay positive, even when I know you’re fighting a battle of your own.

“Chloe didn’t deserve to die… they never do, the ones who are taken from us. They never deserve it.”

I’ve slept with a lot of beautiful women, but none compare to her.

something like jealousy sinks into the pit of my stomach. It’s a foreign sensation, one I hardly recognize.

“But if anyone should be worried, it’s me. You’re stunning, and every man in Paris will be turning their heads, saying”—I attempt my best French accent—“‘Who is this beautiful American woman? I must know her.’”

Her soft, supple lips against mine ignite every nerve in my body. I’m lost in the kiss, savoring every moment.

But then, reality hits me like a freight train. Shit. This isn’t just some random hookup—this is Vivian, my friend.

“Fuck, as much as I want you, Vivian… you’re too important to me.”

“I’m very attracted to you, that’s no secret. From the moment I saw you running past my house to now, my attraction has only grown stronger. And

“But I also know we want different things in life. And I respect you enough to admit I can’t give you what you deserve. I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness or complicate your life in any way.”

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with Vivian.

The thought of being that close to her, in every way, is intoxicating. But the fear of loving her only to lose her is too strong. I’ve lost too much already.

“Healing from grief and trauma doesn’t have an ending point, Viv.

My thoughts drift back to Vivian, who came over early this morning to give me a quick hug before I left for the airport. I had hoped for more time with her, but her touch lingered with me. I had fallen asleep waiting for her text last night, missing the chance to see her before bed. Now, as the cityscape blurs past, all I can think about is how much I already miss her presence.

I hear him chuckle through the door. “How thoughtful of you… to think of me while in your underwear.”

and then whispers in my ear, “By the way… you look really incredible in your underwear.” Holy shit. I think I just came.

Leo’s shoulders shake with laughter as he tries to contain himself. “My life must have been so dull before we met.”

“And what if I don’t want to get away?” I say breathlessly,

“Please, don’t treat me like I’m going to break. I’m not that fragile, I’m not going to break.” I whisper again, more raw this time, “I want this.”

“It’s not you I’m worried about breaking,” he says, his voice rough. “You’re so strong. I just don’t know if I can be the one to give you what you need. And if I fail… if I lose you, I don’t think I could take it.”

How humiliating it is to be denied when you’ve completely allowed yourself to be vulnerable.

But now, I have to protect myself.

Last night was… intense. We made-out. Things got heated, and I wanted it to go further, but I freaked out… I pulled away. I was scared of what it would mean, scared to care about her… of losing her, scared of fucking everything up.”

“The idea of fucking up someone else’s life scares the hell out of me.”

It feels reckless to love someone that much… to put so much hope into one person.”

“Honestly, it felt like everything just clicked. Like for a moment, all the shit I’ve been carrying around didn’t matter. I felt… free. She’s fucking incredible.” I look at Meredith, still grinning.

Well that’s the problem, Leo. I don’t know how to just be your friend anymore. So please let me figure out what it is that I want,

“You look fucking incredible, by the way. You’re turning heads as you walk through this room.” She smiles shyly. “Thanks. But there’s only one head I care to turn in this room,”

“I know I’m not Ben, and I know you’re with Nick. I just wanted you to have your kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

so please, don’t downplay this moment when I want it to mean something so badly.”

“It’s you, Leo. It’s been you.”

No one—absolutely no one—has ever had the effect that Vivian Walker has on me.

“You don’t have to hold anything in. You’re safe with me.”

“You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to feel everything… to release it all,” he whispers softly.