Sweet Heat

by Bolu Babalola

When you give your whole self, your whole self is at risk, but when you enter a love that holds the increments you give yourself permission to give it’s safer – yet at what cost? I’d felt safe – content – with Bakari, but did I ever feel happy? And what’s the value of ‘safer’ anyway, if nothing precious is at stake?

You looked like you went somewhere while I was singing. It happens, but I’m always curious about where people go.

I don’t know your inner world. Like, I’m a beach bum, but maybe you’re someone who likes to hike at 5 a.m.?’

‘So, you ever went on a really bad date and you feel the need to escape your reality so you, like, go to a happy place in your brain? For survival? This experience was the opposite of that. I felt so present, and it opened me up. I wasn’t escaping inside my body I was like . . . discovering and rediscovering things that I knew and didn’t know at the same time. Memories. Questions I have. Emotions.

Maybe Taré’s one of those stars who only enjoys banter on her terms, relatable as long as you play by her rules, but her face breaks into a bright smirk, eyes twinkling with mirth.

Can I ask what you’re drinking in the spirit of me being cool?’ She smiles. ‘Oh, it’s an elevated matcha margarita. Antioxidants with a kick! Try some!’

What?

I immediately want to gag. It’s powdery and bitter and a little gets stuck in my throat. Alcohol shouldn’t have bits in it. It prolongs the consumption process and you don’t want time to really think too deeply about what you’re swallowing otherwise you wouldn’t really do it. A philosophy that could apply to a few things.

Matcha margarita may be a little . . . of an acquired taste and you may want something that hits instantly. Like your music! Something sweet, sultry, dark and indulgent like your voice.

The taste to me . . . it’s giving Hackney Marshes. Or Hollywood anti-vaxxer bathwater. Sorry.’

And when you realised that your opinion on it might count for something, you suggested something you thought was better, smoothly as fuck might I add, without me wanting to hit you.’

‘Celestial’s done mixologist training. I give her a mood, and she comes up with a drink. This is one of her creations, actually. She’s the only person I allow to make my drinks for me. My experience in this industry means I don’t trust a lot of people.

‘The tang’s from THC.’

Omg

I like to unwind after performances. Tap into another plane.’

I’m realising that Taré is like an eccentric little fairy, her shrewd, brilliant mind flitting and fluttering at lightning speed, her magic not evil nor angelic – it just is, at the whims of her desires.

You clearly listen with your whole body. Music isn’t just a moment for you, it’s an experience. It’s personal history. You dive deep.

‘And I’m kind of narcissistic so I’m very preoccupied with my work. When I heard that you weren’t doing the podcast any more, I did some digging. Asked about you at SoundSugar. Told my people to tell their people that I wanted to work with you. Go on your show, maybe.

‘They said you were “difficult to work with”.’ My stomach sinks with the confirmation that my hunch was correct. SoundSugar were blacklisting me. This is why all my meetings were falling through, why I was struggling to get my foot up anywhere. They were pre-empting my talking about what they did by trying to snuff me out. And now they were compromising my opportunity to work with one of my dream artists.

‘they offered me a chance to come on their new podcast with Kitty St James. “Similar vibes,” they said. I looked it up. Similar vibes like how fast fashion churns out a dupe for a runway show overnight, but it don’t fit right. Don’t look right. Strings running. Colour fading. Destined for the landfill of nepo-baby mediocrity.’

When the wrong people call you difficult, you’re on to something. Trust me.

They tried to pull you apart and sell you in pieces, right? Tried to extract your essence without the you of it?’

Look, they’re threatened by you. They tried to do the same to me just because I was sick of being silenced. I tried to play the game for a while, told myself I just need to get to a certain stage and then I can take back my power, but it doesn’t work like that.

I woke up one morning and barely recognised myself or the music I was making. I was sick of feeling like I was compromising my soul, you know? That’s why I took a hiatus.’

‘Well, the first few songs were beautiful, and I could see the influences, but I think that’s the issue. They’re so close to something transcendent, but I can see the influences. They’ll do well for what you want to do, but there’s something embedded in the songs that’s fighting to get out.

The last song, though? Is perfect. Otherworldly. But together, all of them, they’re this epic tapestry. A story.

Look, I’m in a new phase of my life, Kiki. I’ve split with my record label and I’m almost done with building a new team. I’ve written this new album, but I’m still honing it, figuring out its story.’

‘A visual album. A documentary with the album, alongside music videos. I want the documentary to be the definitive script on my work. I’m not doing any interviews or explainers. This will be it. Not a reinvention, but a reintroduction. In four months, I want to do an intimate pop-up gig that will double as the music video for the lead single. It will be a mix of professionals and just lovers of music. I want it to feel real, authentic. The whole project will be released behind a paywall on my website.’

Take the opportunity!!!!!!!!!

Because I want you to be my creative producer for the documentary, and that gig.’

Girl take it!!!!!

‘I have a gut feeling about you, and I’m trying to listen to that more these days. I think I need your eye and your ear and your heart. I want you to helm the documentary, interview me as I embark on the creative process leading up to the release and help explore my . . . musical resurrection journey.

You also, I think, have what it takes to help create a magical show. Plus, you’re a truth-teller.

I’ll pay you as much as I am able to, but I’ll be honest and say that it won’t be what you would get if you were being paid through a major label. It’s a labour of love and faith. Plus, you can’t take on any other jobs while you’re working on it. This has to be it. I need complete discretion.

Hmmmm.

I can’t make promises, but I know this is special. It won’t change the world, but it can change someone’s. Make them feel less alone.

The alchemy of visions, and adjusting and perfecting and tweaking and moulding to make something beautiful. It was a uniquely satisfying feeling, making me feel full up within my skin, like I was pouring into all the parts of me that were created for creation.

My palms prickle and I feel butterfly wings in the pit of my belly, the kind you feel when you’re on the edge of something that you feel will impact your life.

‘Full disclosure, the person you’re about to see is an old link of mine. Well, we had one month of bliss before we went our separate ways. Decided to keep in contact, because, shockingly, I actually liked him as a person. I don’t keep in contact with straight men unless absolutely necessary and he’s cool enough. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy that’s sweet and funny?’

*Jaws music*

‘No, no, so here’s the thing – I invited him here specifically because I wanted you to meet. He’s heard the new stuff, has an eye, and I’m thinking of adding him to the team, but I wanna check the vibes first. If you don’t like him, we can explore other options. My judgement could be compromised by his charm. And other things.’

‘Uh, I trust your taste, but I’m currently on a man sabbatical. Nothing can shake me. Not even hoop earring Denzel.’

Note to self: google young Denzel.

Korede, with an inquisitive eye, treats its subject with gentleness, a curiosity that could veer into scepticism, if not balanced by the questions posed by producer Kiki Banjo.

The producer and director make an exquisite team, pushing and pulling, challenging and learning as they go along.

Though this film did not win the final prize, we want to specially commend it; unpolished, raw, it displays a truth, and we are excited to see what Korede – and indeed Banjo – do next, whether it be separately or as a team.

Lovely to know the new superpower I’ve acquired: the ability to disappear all joy from Malakai Korede.

‘I tried to call him “Kai” once and he got all twitchy, says he hates being called that. Male artistes are the most sensitive.’

‘Right, babe? You’re kind of a diva.’ Malakai’s arms move slackly around her in greeting, his gaze still on me.

Oh the mess.

I feel like the pressure could expel my soul from my body. I wish it would hurry up and get it over with. There’s a very real possibility that my nose might bleed.

He knows all the paths to my irritation and he’s enjoying the journey. His eyes glint, knowing, playing, pulling on a grasp of civility.

I get tingles thinking about the stories you guys can help me tell, which is why I needed you both to meet, get to know each other. See if we can get a creative throuple going on, you know?’

Is this because I told my dad I found a new church to go to in lieu of going to my old family one when actually I’ve been listening to a Gospel playlist every Sunday whilst cleaning my make-up brushes?

Kiki’s the one I really want and if she doesn’t like you, you’re out, so play nice, yeah?’

It strikes me that I don’t really have any valuable possessions to leave to anyone, and Aminah will be so pissed to have to make one of her sisters her maid-of-honour. These thoughts occur to me because I am now certain that I’ve died after doing something so fucked up in my earthly life that I am currently in my own specially designed pocket of hell.

I’m feeling kind of violent. My eyes drift to his shoes. Very nice. Special edition Nike Dunks in a nineties block-colourway: pink, green, yellow. They suit him. I want to microwave them.

Oddly specific.

He needs someone around to humble him.’ She turns to Malakai, asking, ‘She’s a vibe, right?’