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I didn’t know you could fall in love with someone in the space it took for them to pitch a rolling pin at your head. But here I was, utterly and completely in love with a woman who wouldn’t stop throwing things at me.
“She’s throwing knives at you because you just killed a man in cold blood right in front of her, but sure. I’ll put on a tux and be your best man. We’ll have the ceremony next week on the island of Delulu.”
“He’s been like this ever since he saw her. He’s turned into a walking, talking Hallmark card. It’s disturbing, and that’s saying something coming from someone who is pretty disturbed himself.”
Running through the streets of Saint View in nothing but my underwear and a killer’s shirt had not been on my bingo card.
If I ripped this thing, Hendrix would kill me. Not literally, because I was the only one with the crazy gene in my family. But he probably wouldn’t be happy.
Being compared to a piranha while giving head was not exactly a compliment.
if vaginas weren’t repulsive to me, then I would be all up in yours like it was the gateway to Heaven.”
“Oh, girly-pop. I meant all vaginas in general. Not yours specifically. I’m sure yours sparkles like Edward Cullen.”
“Girl, what exactly do you have to lose? You’re lying here crying over a prison inmate. You’ve hit rock bottom.”
Only I would find myself in the middle of a home invasion while masturbating. Kill me now.
I had no idea whether I was flattered, terrified, or just really damn turned on.
“Just think of him as a puppy. One that needs training.” “A murder puppy,” I muttered. She laughed. “I like that. Seems pretty fitting for X.”
“I fell in love with a woman. She had a friend who had been hooking up with Fang, and it eventually turned into more. Her friend had a sister who punched Hawk in the nose, but that was somehow code for ‘I want you.’ And now all three of us are shacked up and living the good life.”
For a while there, Ace and Torch had a competition going to see who could use the most random household items as a murder weapon. Between pens, irons, and a dog leash, it was like some sort of messy, murderer mash up of Clue and Monopoly.
“I’m getting ice cream from a murderer. I don’t think there’s enough therapy hours available in the world to unpack this sort of trauma.”
“Would any other murderer give you free sprinkles though?”
Why were the hot ones always crazy?
This was exactly why I shouldn’t date. Even without the help of the apps, I’d managed to attract three complete psychopaths.
Oh my God. He was a murderer and a stalker. He couldn’t just pick a lane?
“Nothing to see here. Just a few criminals and an ice cream van…apparently.”
“I’m not fucking upset,” I muttered. “I’m pissed off. There’s a difference.”
“So what’s the plan of attack? We just go hardcore, murder spree, and take out the entire list?” He grinned, like he was imagining leaving a trail of death and destruction in his wake.
“Slow down, Stabby McGee.
“Trying to get the two of you to do any work is like herding cats. Kind of wish I was a lion tamer right now, ’cause that might have actually been helpful in keeping the two of you on task.
“Vi? Is it just you out there or do I need to put pants on and be the man of the house? Please tell me it’s you though, because my mom put me in ballet lessons as a kid, not karate. So all I have in terms of fighting skills is a mean pirouette.”
Doc said when I start wanting to murder people, like I do the two of you right now, I need to channel it elsewhere. And not into pulling out my knife and stabbing the two of you repetitively. So if you don’t want me to do that, I’ll ask that you let me finish my goddamn downward dog!”
“Hug me, Levi.” “I will pull my gun if you take so much as half a step closer to me.”
“Your knife pose is really coming along nicely,” I said sarcastically. He brought his hands together and bowed his head. “Namastab.”
She was definitely a girl clown. Almost pretty in the daylight. If terrifyingly pretty was a thing.
“I touched the penis gun.” Gag. Gag. More gag.
The only time anyone had mentioned stable and me in the same sentence was my therapist when she’d labeled me mentally unstable.
Men were fucking disgusting. Present company excluded, because I was delightful.
“I’m a grown fucking man, Violet. I know what I want. And she’s standing right in front of me.”
“Oh, sweetie. Straight men are dumb. They can’t help it.”
“Team Jailbird is going to lose major brownie points with me if I end up with a gunshot wound,” Toby muttered.
“They’re multiplying!” He yelped. “Oh God, it’s like one of those zombie apocalypse shows where they all attract each other. It’s nearly ten o’clock at night, you crotch goblins! Why are you eating ice cream at this time? Have you no concern for a good night’s sleep?”
