X's and O's (Saint View Murder Squad, #1)

by Elle Thorpe

I stopped trying to fight the terror. It wanted to consume me. I wanted to let it.

“Is there anyone else here who might have ordered it?” the driver asked insistently. “No,” Paul snapped. “There isn’t. That’s definitely not mine. I don’t even like pizza. I’m lactose intolerant.” I hoped Paul shit his pants right then and there just from the smell of the cheese. “Oh, damn. You are?” the driver asked casually. “That sucks so much. Cheese is the best. Like, it’s actually my favorite thing in the world. But it gives you the farts, huh? Or the squirts?”

HELP

He cocked his head to the side. “First you don’t offer us any cheese. And now you don’t even know my name? But I know yours. And it’s not because you ordered pizza, Pauly. Little secret? I already ate the whole thing. And it didn’t make me shit myself.”

LMAOOO

The female rage inside me was real.

Me every day at every hour for every minute

I didn’t know you could fall in love with someone in the space it took for them to pitch a rolling pin at your head. But here I was, utterly and completely in love with a woman who wouldn’t stop throwing things at me.

Calm down vro you've had one single interaction and it was while she was high off her mind on her own hysterics.

“And for the cherry on top, apparently I have a psycho in love with me.” Scythe held up a hand for me to high-five. “Hey, she acknowledged your feelings!” I slapped his palm. “Progress!” But not as much as I wanted. I turned back to her. “I still don’t know your name though.” Gray started unbuttoning his shirt. “And she’s not going to give it to you either.” “What he said,” the woman added. “Can she give it to me after the Magic Mike show then?” I stared at Gray’s naked chest. “I didn’t bring my dollar bills, Doc. Please put your nipples away.”

Grayson eyed me. “You are not to go after her, X. Promise me.” I waved him off. “Of course. Of course.” Grayson nodded. “Good.” “Of course I’m going to go after her.” His head snapped up. “You mean of course you’re not going after her.” I squinted at him. “Isn’t that what I said?” Scythe chuckled. “Nope.” I shrugged. “Eh, same thing.”

who was as much of a frog in a blender,

Interesting description

want to get my hopes up. Last year, it didn’t go well. The board have been making an egsample out of me

EGSAMPLE OMGGGGG THATS ADORABLE HELLO HE LITERALLY CAN'T SPELL MY POOR ILLITERATE BABY BOY

Dear Violet. I’m getting out. Today. This doesn’t feel real. I keep thinking the guards are going to walk back into my cell and tell me they’ve changed their minds. But all they’ve done so far is bring me paperwork to sign and street clothes to change into. Meet me on Sunday. At the Saint View bluffs. Like we planned. Fuck, I can’t wait. Levi.

This is the same font I believe Heath Briggs' notes in whatever book two of Dear Reader is called

And I’m forty-six.

HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH

“Violet?” he called from the living room. “Should I just leave your vibrator on the counter or…” The fact my bedroom floor had not turned into a sinkhole that was sucking me down into oblivion seemed very unfair. “You’re killing me, X! Get. Out!” “Fine, fine. Just one more question.” “Oh my God. What?” I shouted back to him. He stuck his head around the corner and gave me a wolfish grin. “Scale of one to ten. How mad would you be if I licked this thing like a lollipop?”

LMFAOOOOOO

My roommate would probably say I had no ‘rizz’ right now.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE NO BRAINROT

“I really wish I didn’t either. But let me break it down so we’re all on the same page. X calls you Omelet because he’s mentioned you a few times during our support group meetings. We told him not to use real names—” “And Omelet was way cuter than eggs,” X explained. “You know, because you threw them at me? It was either that or vibrator—” “X!” I snapped at him. His eyes went big. “See! That’s why I didn’t call you that. I knew you wouldn’t like it!” I stared at Grayson helplessly. “Please make it stop.” He sighed. “I would if I knew how.”

“Everybody just stop, please, while I try to work this out. X is in love with Violet. Violet and Whip were on a date.” He glanced at Levi. “And you…” “Picked a fight with me because he’s also into Violet,” Whip filled in. X pinched the bridge of his nose. “Gray, I’m struggling to go to my happy place.”

“I’m struggling to go to my happy place” GIGGLINGGG

“Oh, there’s ducks over there! I love ducks.” “You do?” My mom’s advice, about finding out the things Violet liked and getting them for her, rang in my head. She nodded enthusiastically. “They’re so cute.” I opened the car door. “I’ll get you one.” “Wait—” I took off running, ducks waddling out of my way, some taking to the air. But not before I plucked a fat one off the ground. I tucked it beneath my arm and carried it back to my truck. Violet gawked at me. “You just…you caught a duck.” “Want to pet him. Or her? I don’t want to misgender them, but I don’t know how to tell the difference. Do you?” “You can’t just pick up a wild duck, X!” “I already did. And he loves me, don’t you, Reginald? He seems like a Reginald, don’t you think? Maybe Reggie for when he’s feeling playful. Here.” I held the duck out toward her. “You are insane. But it’s really freaking cute. It’s not even trying to get away.” She tentatively reached a hand out. “Hey, little buddy. Aren’t you cute—” She snatched her hand back quickly. “Holy crap, he bit me!” “I will snap it’s filthy neck!”

“Aw!” X crowed, making a fucking heart with his hands. “Mommy and Daddy aren’t fighting anymore!” “Dibs on being Daddy,” I muttered. Levi snorted on a laugh. “You’d pass out if I called you Daddy.” I raised an eyebrow. “Feel free to try it out if that’s what you’re into.” From his reclined position, X tossed the golf ball into the air, then swore when he mistimed the catch and it clonked him square in the forehead. He winced, rubbing it. “That was your fault. You two distracted me with your foreplay.”

Tweedledum and Tweedledumber

LMAOOOO

“Your knife pose is really coming along nicely,” I said sarcastically. He brought his hands together and bowed his head. “Namastab.”

HE'S SUCH A SHITHEAD I CAN'T

I was in the neighborhood and was wondering if I could borrow your shower?” She scrubbed at her face. “Seriously?” “Actually, yes. I have penis hands.” Her fingers fell away from rubbing her eyes. “What?” “Penis hands,” I repeated. “Because you were touching your penis…while I was sleeping?” She screwed up her face. “X, that’s kinda gross. Even for you.” “No! It wasn’t like that.” She cocked her head to one side. “It was another man’s penis.” “You were touching another man’s penis?” “No! I mean, not directly. Not that I have any problem with that. I fully support men touching other men’s penises.” I paused. “Am I saying penis too much?” “Yes.” I nodded. “I thought so.” “Maybe you should go take that shower.” I grinned at her. “Want to come with me? You could touch some penis too?”