How Freaking Romantic

by Emily Harding

Sometimes a person has to lean into anger just to survive.

“I know you think I’m an asshole, Bea, but I’m not that much of an asshole.”

‘Love’s not supposed to be easy. But if you’re lucky, it’s simple.’ ” Not easy, just simple, I think as I let out a long breath.

And I think about the years I had spent holding on to love for the people around me, how much I gave to make sure they were happy and safe—only to still be here, in the same place, as they all moved on.

“Romance exists. It’s just so hard to define, we stopped trying and told ourselves we can buy it instead.”

“What do you think would have happened if your neighbor hadn’t interrupted us that night outside your building?”

“You’re not a lot, Bea. You care about the people in your life. You defend them and you don’t try to be anyone other than yourself. If anybody has a problem with that, it just means they’ve learned somewhere along the line that those things are faults. That’s for them to work out, not you.”

“I’m saying that you have the power here. You set the ground rules and I’m trying to follow them.”

“So, you take care of everybody.” The way he says it, the present tense, rings in my ears. “Yeah.” A longer moment. Then, “And who takes care of you?”

“You’re so fucking scared of being vulnerable that you’d rather stand out here fighting for someone else’s relationships than think about what you actually want, because that’s easier than getting hurt, right?”

“I changed my mind when I found out that you were his TA. I took the job because I wanted to see you again. I didn’t think any of this would happen. I didn’t plan it, I just… I had to see you again, Bea. I had to talk to you and know you and…”

You deserve the same care and love you give away to everyone else, Bea. And at some point, you need to fight for you just as much as you fight for everybody else.”

Change is inevitable. You can’t protect yourself from it or you’ll just keep getting hurt.”

“I think I’ve loved you since that first moment you burst in here and called me an asshole.”

“I love you, too. So fucking much that I wanted to run, I wanted to find a way to cut you loose. Because I knew I would get hurt. But you made me stay. And then it happened anyway!”

“Yes I can, Bea,” he says. “It’s simple.”