I Hope You Remember: Poems on Loving, Longing, and Living

by Josie Balka

I hope when you read this book… You remember an emotion you forgot about. I hope it hurts your feelings and mends them all at once. I hope the mention of mid-November makes you feel haunted in ways that are both good and bad. I hope the pages about grey days and wet sidewalks make you think of someone in particular. I hope you’ve forgiven them. I hope reading this book feels like waking up from a nap in the dark, alone in your room, your nose cold from a cracked window you forgot to close. I hope it makes you think of the smell of your childhood home, and the way your bare feet feel on a warm summer sidewalk. I hope it makes you realize how much you’ve been through, how many of your fears will never come true, and how you’ve already survived all the ones that have. I hope it helps you escape to a simpler time, and I hope it makes the hard times seem a little easier, if only for a moment. Mostly, I hope it makes you remember. I hope you remember all of it.

Wounds have no choice but to heal eventually And you will find something else to cry about But it won’t be them

I didn’t even want a lot I just wanted kindness And I’ll never know why that Was just so much to ask

But I never find myself missing you in the sun Or on the really good days, or when I’m having fun When I’m laughing with my friends or I’m content or skies are blue I find it kind of funny that I’m never missing you ’Cause all my favorite people they remind me of the day But when the sky is lit up my brain wishes you away So maybe it’s a sign—some kind of writing on the wall If I were never sad I wouldn’t think of you at all

Did you feel privileged while I felt pathetic? Did you feel important while I felt insufficient? Did you feel loved while I felt lost?

I hope I made you feel good about yourself And I hope you feel warm when I cross your mind Because it makes you think of a time when Somebody loved every single thing about you Because I did Everything except the fact that you didn’t love me back

Thank you for not letting me have you I can’t thank you for not letting me love you, though Because I really think I did

Because even after ripping me apart You didn’t even have the courtesy to let me keep All the pieces for myself

I don’t know if I believe in one soulmate, but I do believe in soulmates, and if you’re lucky, you will find them in multiples. You will find them all over. You will find them in friends. In family. In lovers. In pets.

I don’t think we even get to meet all our soulmates; I don’t think our hearts could handle it. I think you probably walk past a person who has a twin soul to match yours almost every day. It’s important not to keep the idea of soulmates within the confines of romance, because it would be a shame to not recognize a soulmate is in your wake. And maybe it’s weird to feel like there are a million other people out there who could love you properly. A million souls of the perfect shape to fit right alongside yours. But I think it’s beautiful.

Your heart is a muscle but Sometimes I find it hard to believe it’s not a bone Because muscles repair themselves and more often than not get stronger And go back to normal But bones break and are never the same I’ve found heartbreak to be a lot more like that than anything else

I had no choice but to be down-to-earth because you can’t walk very far with a corded phone

If it weren’t for the others Would you want it? Would it matter?

Is it for you or is it for them? Did you have joy and serenity Before comparison stole it?

Would what you have be enough if you looked ahead instead of around If you focused on what you have instead of what they have?

But missing people, it never ever ends Even people you shouldn’t miss or don’t want to miss, or who don’t deserve to be missed

So caught up in watching a life we want that we miss out on the life we have

Anxiety is beautiful because it’s just you wanting things to go right so badly It’s just you caring so much that it’s debilitating Anxiety shows up because you want the most out of every single day So you worry that isn’t going to happen

Being an anxious person is being so thoughtful it makes you feel sick It’s fearing the worst because you want the best It’s sweating the small things because everything matters to you Do you know how special it is to care as much as you do?