I Hope You Remember: Poems on Loving, Longing, and Living

by Josie Balka

I hope when you read this book… You remember an emotion you forgot about. I hope it hurts your feelings and mends them all at once.

I hope it helps you escape to a simpler time, and I hope it makes the hard times seem a little easier, if only for a moment. Mostly, I hope it makes you remember. I hope you remember all of it.

Wounds have no choice but to heal eventually And you will find something else to cry about But it won’t be them

A time when being unsure wasn’t a life sentence, it just meant we had time

I thought about you today I used to think about you every day There was a time I didn’t have to think about you Because you were just there And now you’re not

I didn’t even want a lot I just wanted kindness And I’ll never know why that Was just so much to ask

I still feel not enough

And I think the very worst Is that I took the pain and anger And remorse and constant sadness And I called it love

You didn’t love me I loved you And that is how I learned What it feels like to love And you what it feels like to be loved So at least we both learned something

It’s funny how when you learn about love you learn about family and you learn about partners But you don’t learn that much about how deeply you’re capable of loving your friends How a piece of you can die with a friendship Just like pieces of you can die with the kind of heartbreak that is normalized And talked about all the time

Did you feel privileged while I felt pathetic? Did you feel important while I felt insufficient? Did you feel loved while I felt lost?

I will keep making friends And keep falling in love with them For any of the reasons that seem fit at the time

now I spend so much time craving that kind of connection While you’re far away And I know I have found it in others I’ve found it in yesterdays and I will find it in tomorrows

If you had let me, I would’ve loved you forever I would’ve chosen you You wouldn’t have had to treat me differently Or better, even You wouldn’t have had to be kinder You wouldn’t have had to love me, even You would’ve had just let me choose you And I’d have been yours How sad is that?

And time may freeze But it will not stop

There’s a lot of strength that goes into getting over

You watched as I turned from a person to a puzzle As cracks formed slowly on every part of me I ever showed you And once I was fully crumbled You sloppily packed me up in a box for the next person Who will have to do their best to fill in the blanks With their imagination Of what I may have been like if not for you Because even after ripping me apart You didn’t even have the courtesy to let me keep All the pieces for myself

if the things that are to come Are as wonderful as the things that were to come Before you came along Then I am nothing but excited For the things I never could’ve known about yet, today

There need to be more fairy tales about soulmate friends like us Where they find each other and everything just makes more sense after Where they meet and immediately know they were meant to know each other There need to be more love stories about platonic friends Who found each other at just the right time And they’re not complex or grandiose storylines They meet and they know

I am a collaborative constellation of everything I went through

What if I had met you sooner and I was too much and you wanted less Or you not enough, leaving me wanting more

In order for someone to be the one They have to want you too It’s such a simple concept Though it never feels that way

True love is not always simple Things don’t always work the first time Second chances exist And people change their mind But the one will want you to be the one, too It won’t just be you

It was you at the start, it’s you now And it’ll be you at the end And that is the only guarantee this life can offer You have been there for you, and with you, more than anyone else ever has The most loyal friend you’ll ever know The most important person is You It has always been you

One person not loving you Does not mean you are not loved at all It just means you are not loved by them And I know reading that feels like swallowing glass

Nobody is loved by everybody And them not loving you Doesn’t mean you are not loved It means you are not loved by them

And if you can find it in you to take your eyes off the door You will see that aside from that one empty seat Your table is full Love is all around you

You are the source of some of your favorite feelings in the people you love People who only know what any of it feels like Because you made them feel that way

The friends you make as an adult Those are some of the most remarkable friendships to ever exist

Choosing adult friends is saying I love who you are And I’m grateful for all the friends And experiences and lessons that life handed you before Because they shaped you in a way That fits so beautifully with the way mine shaped me

Your presence makes rooms glow Your absence is noticed Your heart is beautiful and capable And beats alone like all the others It doesn’t need to be in unison with another For it to work The company of others is lovely, but so is your company

I don’t know if I believe in one soulmate, but I do believe in soulmates, and if you’re lucky, you will find them in multiples. You will find them all over. You will find them in friends. In family. In lovers. In pets. You will find that one person will grow into many versions of themselves in this lifetime, and one version may not suit your soul the way another will. Soulmates can be temporary, and that’s okay, because there’s a good chance another is on their way right now.

Everything is fine, and then it’s not

We’re growing up apart But we’re not growing apart And that’s the important part

If you are not the love of your own life What’s the point You don’t have to be the only one But you’ve got to at least be one of them If it is not you who hangs the moon And draws the stars And orders your favorite coffee You’ll be waiting, and you do not deserve to wait You are the love of your life Don’t ever forget it

I don’t want to grow old But I don’t want to not grow old I grieve the ages I used to be all the time But I’m so scared of all the ages I will be after this one How can I feel so strongly about both?

You are the girl in someone’s big monumental love story We are all that girl to someone Whether past or present There is someone out there Who, when they picture falling deeply in love, in the biggest way imaginable It is with you It is your eyes and your hair And your height and your shape And your voice and your way It is you who is the girl in the song In the movie In color, in black and white It is you Who is the girl in slow motion

I have spent so much time worrying about money

But I’ve never been able to use money To buy time back

What money cannot buy, though, is time

Why do we waste the thing we have, worrying about the thing we don’t?

If it weren’t for the others Would you want it? Would it matter? Is it for you or is it for them? Did you have joy and serenity Before comparison stole it?

One of life’s most cruel and unusual punishments Is not being able to feel things the same way two times

All that comes is only because of all that was

Why do I feel like I have to be brave to show off my body?

Your beautiful body is the only one you could ever need. I want you to remember that when it’s not the one you want.

Every version of you is a good version The version of you with stretch marks and the version of you without The version of you with acne The version of you that wore smaller pants The version of you that wore ten sizes bigger than you do now All those versions are good

Every version of you that has been and every version that will be Is a good version Because everything you were has made you everything you are And everything you are will lead you to everything you will become

Some things are here to stay, and some things are bound to go And I promise from the deepest part of my soul You will be remembered for the way that you are Not the way that you look

Anxiety is beautiful because it’s just you wanting things to go right so badly It’s just you caring so much that it’s debilitating Anxiety shows up because you want the most out of every single day So you worry that isn’t going to happen Being an anxious person is being so thoughtful it makes you feel sick It’s fearing the worst because you want the best It’s sweating the small things because everything matters to you Do you know how special it is to care as much as you do? Anxiety is beautiful but it is exhausting