I Hope You Remember: Poems on Loving, Longing, and Living

by Josie Balka

Anxiety is beautiful because it’s just you wanting things to go right so badly It’s just you caring so much that it’s debilitating Anxiety shows up because you want the most out of every single day So you worry that isn’t going to happen Being an anxious person is being so thoughtful it makes you feel sick It’s fearing the worst because you want the best It’s sweating the small things because everything matters to you Do you know how special it is to care as much as you do? Anxiety is beautiful but it is exhausting It’s like playing tug-of-war constantly with what is within your control and what isn’t And even on the days you let go of the rope, your hands are still burning It’s losing sleep over your health because you love life so much You want it to go on as long as possible It’s worrying about other people because you love them so much You want them to be as happy as they possibly can be It’s knowing how deeply you want things to work out So you try to eliminate every way that they could possibly not work out And I know you’re tired of caring so much I know it’s hard to see the beauty in a storm When it won’t let up and it’s ruining things And it’s keeping you inside and it’s dark and it’s beyond your control But in the same way that it has to rain sometimes You have to feel And there’s nothing wrong with you You just want everything to work out so badly That’s what your anxiety really is And there’s beauty in that, I’m sure of it

Some girls are made of sugar and spice And I am made of quicksand

This is the first time you’ve ever lived this day So why are you so hard on you when you make a mistake? You’re doing it for the first time; such a brave thing to do And since you can’t tell the future, the whole thing is brand-new And yes, you’ll do some tasks that require repetition But you’re allowed to fuck it up; it’s not a competition And as you pass through this entirely new to you day I hope that you can view it in a rookie kind of way You don’t take just one lesson when you learn to drive a car The first time you throw a football, it’s not gonna go that far And just like many things where practice helps you right along There’s not a ton of time when days are here and days are gone Tomorrow you’ll be 86,400 seconds older Maybe happy, maybe tired, and the weather might be colder It’s the first time that you’ve ever tried to live this exact day And as a first-time day liver, you’re doing pretty great

You’ve got to learn to love yourself You have to You can’t spend your life with someone you don’t love