Julie Chan Is Dead

by Liann Zhang

Being a young woman is already like existing in the seventh circle of hell. Not to mention one of them is on her period.

I—someone born from the same womb, formed from the same clump of cells—had failed everywhere she hadn’t.

nature v nurture!

As she hard-launched a boyfriend, some ratty, tattooed white guy who looked one bad hair day away from starting a men’s rights podcast. As she posted a breakup announcement shortly after.

lol

“What a cute baby!” It’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.

if the cops are the right choice of

intervention. (And let’s be honest, they’re rarely the right choice.)

I can’t believe I came all the way to New York only to wait outside Chloe’s door and be jealous of a rat.

ah the life in nyc

I’m not proud to admit how much I use social media to cope. I struggle to exist without something flashing on the screen. Can’t sit still without a video blasting to deaden my dark thoughts. Social media is the biggest thief of time but it’s also an impossibly addictive form of escape.

since the videos are curated through (likely invasive) algorithms.

I’m looking for a cheap, distracting laugh, not to heal my inner child.

I remember opening her fridge, seeing the bottles of alcohol. Could it be? Was she secretly an addict? This realization kicks me in the gut. I thought she had a perfect life, but behind the screen, she and I were both fractured in different ways.

“I can’t say for certain. It’s difficult to OD on TCAs.”

Staring at the little containers makes me ill. How messed up must you be for a doctor to prescribe so many medications

at once?

If I had all these little tablets, the support of doctors, the ability to pay for help, could I have lived with more purpose?

Still, I’m surprised Chloe’s never pushed back at these people. Fiona is a POC; isn’t that proof enough? And I’m sure she has other friends of color too. (I hope.)

okay i actually hate julie?

But damn, there are too many blond-haired, hazel-eyed, lip-plumped white influencers in this world. Differentiating them is an Olympic sport.

“Sometimes I wish I were an office worker. They can clock out every day at five p.m. and live their lives. But influencers? Work, work, work. All the time, every second. People don’t know how hard it is to be us.”

lol

A few days in Chloe’s shoes and I’m already making friends. Fuck being yourself; being someone else is so much better.

Most of her posts are things like, It’s a great day to have a great day. Or Remember to be happy! Or When you are feeling sad, think positive thoughts. Her followers eat it up. I think depression is scared of her.

All these new, genuine connections.

lol girl

I’m revitalized as I walk out of the studio, the dusty New York air whipping in my face: a pleasant mix of trash, car exhaust, and coffee.

??

BetterTherapy is not responsible if users are matched to a therapist without a degree or certification.)

lol

so I can panic in peace.

how??

Hear that? I save lives. So, in the grand scheme of things, I’m a good person.

A great fucking person. Everyone in my Chloe Crew tells me so.

girl…

The exercise, positive affirmations, social safety nets, and community have given me an intrinsic sense of confidence and control.

Instead I grab the champagne bottle and offer it to her. She heaves one last sigh before taking it by the neck and drinking straight from the spout. The foamy alcohol sloshes onto her chin as she pulls the bottle away with a sigh. “Fuck it. Let’s party!” The whole cabin cheers.

obviously

Huh. Why am I the only one having so much trouble? Oh my god. Have I internalized misogyny? You know what? She is beautiful. And so am I!

Iz leans back, her hands in the air, making a gesture like, Isn’t it obvious? “I’ll never be applauded for mediocrity because I’m not a stereotypically beautiful white girl.”

there are so many barriers to accessibility. Who can afford a phone? Who has access to stable internet? Who has time to scroll and learn about trends instead of clocking in to a double shift to feed their families? Even what country you’re born in affects it. There’s nothing equal about social media. Sure, once in a blue moon it uplifts creators from underserved backgrounds, but that’s like finding a unicorn amid a stable of horses.”

:-/

they’re drugging her right? like they have to be?

Am I destined to be alone?

“Even if the piece is imperfect, it’ll be perfect because you made it,” Lily concludes.

why is this giving barbie land vibes?

wtf