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This whole having to sleep every night thing is bullshit, and maybe if people needed less of it, I’d have fewer episodes.
I ache for that kind of love. For being so close to the other person that I need to find them, even in my sleep.
Now, normally, I do my best to be sweet Xander. Like a puppy. Or a kitten. If I’m cute, people will want to keep me. But I never learned how to share as a child, and now, a filthy little gremlin lives inside me. And seeing that man’s hands on Derek? The gremlin is activated.
I’m seeing a lot of him now. He’s got a chunky belly and a solid chest sprinkled with dark hair. And big arms. He’s not overly big like Seven, but he’s a nice big. A cuddly big. I’m dying to know what his hugs are like.
I moved. Into the city. All because of you. Every time you’re in trouble, I show up for you. Your brothers show up for you. So this fucking tantrum is so far out of line, and I’m done. I’m not going to be spoken to like that. I’m not going to be told I don’t care. My whole fucking life is on hold while I wait for you to get better, and you won’t do a single thing to make it happen.” His glare has deepened. “You don’t get to blame me for your shitty life choices.” “I do when you’re one of them.”
“The fucked-up thing, Seven, is that you can. Out of everyone, you can. He’ll do anything you want him to do, and if you need to goddamn exploit that, then do it already.” “It would kill me.” He looks ready to cry too, which isn’t something I thought I would ever see. “I’m sorry.”
The scared little boy inside me hoped for too much for too long. He doesn’t get to trick me with that anymore.
“You’re not Seven without Xander.”
“Too much, because he’s not supposed to care at all. It’s against the rules or the law or something.”
We’ve been over this so many times. If he cared—even a little bit, not even too much—he would have been there or reached out. Made sure I’m okay. “When you think about it, it’s really romantic,”
“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to manipulate people. Like, that isn’t a good thing.” “Neither is codependency, but we’re doing that reasonably well if you ask me.”
“I guess you don’t want to make me happy.” “Of course I do, you muppet.” “Well, I can’t be happy if Xander’s not happy, and he won’t be happy unless he has Derek, and Derek won’t be happy if Z’s not in therapy. Do you see the problem here?” “You’re relying on far too many people to make you happy instead of finding that inner well of happiness and tranquility?”
“No, I’m here so Seven will know that I love him and I’m willing to put myself through this shit to prove it.” “Seven’s your boyfriend?” I frown, hating that assumption. “My foster brother.” “You’re close.” “Duh.” I wouldn’t be here for just anyone. “Well, you’ve proved that you love him by being here. Now, why don’t you prove you love yourself by letting me help you?”
“It must be nice to be an optimist. Molly’s one too, though I probably would be if I had a DILF for a dad like he does.”
“I don’t want to be here at all,” I say, testing him. “Then it’s very possible you’re not ready. And that’s okay. Healing is something that can only be done on your own timeline, Xander, but your first step is accepting that you deserve it. Because you do.”
If it was up to me, he’d be on Seven’s level, and we’d be equally obsessed with each other.
“I like bugs.” “Oh my god.” Xander holds on to the chains and hangs himself right back. “I’m going to marry a freaky little bug man. Why, cruel world, why?” I drag myself to a stop as well. “You’d be fucking lucky to marry me.” “Derry, are you proposing? In a park? The same place I was ruthlessly stolen from my parents? I never knew you were so romantic.”
“No, I love it. It’s like … beautiful chaos. Like I can feel you in here.” He points at the canvas propped on the easel by the window. “Is this what you’re working on?”
“The most brightly colored bugs are usually the most dangerous.”
“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you. Just you. I’m not going anywhere.”
You’re not waiting for your person. You’ve found them.” His pink tongue swipes over his lips. “And you?” “I’m already yours in all the ways I can be.”
Change is growth, which I think is beautiful.
