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Seven is like a shield for my spiraling thoughts. He can’t stop them, but he gives me an extra layer of protection, and sometimes that’s enough.
I’m supposed to be sexually active and a total deviant and be all nom nom for the cock. I don’t think I’m doing the right kind of gagging over it.
thinking about Derek’s hands on me makes me shivery. And it has nothing to do with the fact that every time I see him, he’s disinfecting them. Probably. Maybe.
Now, normally, I do my best to be sweet Xander. Like a puppy. Or a kitten. If I’m cute, people will want to keep me. But I never learned how to share as a child, and now, a filthy little gremlin lives inside me. And seeing that man’s hands on Derek? The gremlin is activated.
He’s got a chunky belly and a solid chest sprinkled with dark hair. And big arms. He’s not overly big like Seven, but he’s a nice big. A cuddly big. I’m dying to know what his hugs are like.
I can handle my alcohol, but there’s no way I’m going to risk getting drunk in front of him. Not Derek. He’s a real adult. Put together, stable, handsome, with a grown-up career and no demons in his closet.
Because Derek is my real-life Prince Charming. Now, if only he’d do that part where he sweeps me off my feet.
Whatever feeble excuse there is, I’ll find it. I have one chance to enjoy being in his presence, so I’m going to shamelessly take it.
“I always had that itch. When I’m creating, I’m not thinking about anything else. It helps when … it just helps. I’m self-taught, which is why my work isn’t great.”
“Aww, are you getting all shy on me now?” “Not shy. Just making sure you manage your expectations.” It would be awesome to tell him that I can do anything, but there’s something very cool about being human too. I’m not perfect, and that’s okay. Fuck, this conversation is enough to drive home that point.
My body responds to him on a primal level, but knowing the little that I do about his past has a softness building behind my ribs.
I’m unlucky that the first guy I’ve ever wanted is my patient, but if he wasn’t my patient, I never would have met him in the first place. It’s a vicious loop. I’m constantly at war with myself through every interaction.
when it comes right down to it, I can’t go there with someone I view as breakable. Vulnerable. I want to make everything right for him and protect him from his demons, but the real world doesn’t work that way.
I’m sure it’s the side effect of something. Got little Smurf boy on your brain? Me: It’s so weird when you call him that.
My trauma dump is more of an avalanche, and once I start, that mess keeps coming. Which isn’t a great thing when the more people learn about me, the faster they run.
“You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that.” I lean closer. “And you shouldn’t tell people what to do.”
“Of course you care. Everyone cares about the kicked puppy.” I shift, about to ready myself to leave, when Derek’s big hand circles my wrist. His grip is soft, but his gaze is steady. “Not like a puppy, Xander. You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.” He lets go suddenly and nods, but I’ve swallowed my damn tongue. That actually sounded … genuine. “I’m going to set up,” he says. “I’ll probably see you around … but I hope not.”
This creative, snarky, passionate man deserves so much more than he lets himself have. It’s hard not to get pissy about that.
And whatever issues Xander needs to work through have left him with chronic emotional regulation problems.
I stand there, and he stands there, and after a moment of soul-searching eye contact, he swallows thickly and walks away. Like everyone always does. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. I’m not.
Of course I do, but I’m all mature and well-adjusted now. At least, I pretend to be. So I shake my head instead.
“I’m trying to be a good person. At least let me pretend.”
One of the things about Xander that’s really growing on me is how he’s unapologetically himself.
Xander is an old soul. I can see it in his wary eyes, how sometimes he turns so introspective I lose him for a moment.
His gaze drops to my mouth. “Lots …” “Stop that.” His devilish grin comes out. “Make me.”
“No first time. No any time.” “Sure.”
“I’m going to marry a freaky little bug man. Why, cruel world, why?” I drag myself to a stop as well. “You’d be fucking lucky to marry me.” “Derry, are you proposing? In a park? The same place I was ruthlessly stolen from my parents? I never knew you were so romantic.”
Though, it’s more than that. He’s completely desensitized to what happened in his life, but if Seven, Molly, or one of his roommates upset him, he’d feel it more than the average person would.
“Arms down, please. I need my blood up here.” I tap my temple, and Derek immediately tucks his hands behind his back. But then that only makes his shoulders rounder. I’m screwed. “You know what, I’m going to talk to the paper.” “If that’s what you need to do.”
Derek grabs my hip. “We need to be kind to your little virgin hole,” he warns, right by my ear. “I’ve got a fat cock, and this isn’t going to be easy.” My eyes almost roll back at how Derek can be his same considerate self while talking like that. “Please.” I’ll do or say anything to get him to push inside already. “You have no idea what your begging does to me, bug.”
“What if I leave, catch a cold, and then end up with pneumonia and die?” he asks, and I take back my grown-up assessment. “When it’s hot as hell out, I think we can take our chances.” “Gambling with my life. Wow. Thanks.”
“You know for a fact that this isn’t easy for me,” I remind him. “No need to be a brat about it.”
“I’ll be counting the days,” he promises. “I’m coming back to you, bug. Always. Don’t forget that.” I swear to fucking Bertha, I will try.
“Fuck it.” Derek’s mouth crushes down on mine. I squeak into the unexpected kiss, opening for his tongue, toes curling in my shoes, and I swear my head goes so light I might float away. My hands wrap fists into the front of his T-shirt, and when Derek finally pulls away, my whole face feels flushed. “I needed that,” he sighs. “You needed that? I was a second away from begging for it.”
I’ll figure it out. I love you, Xander. And the fact I had to be away from you for so fucking long doesn’t make sense. I want to make you happy. That’s it. That’s top of my dream board.”
“Thank you for waiting for me,” he whispers. “I’m going to spend forever proving I was worth it.” Derek doesn’t need to though. “Dare-bear, I’ve always known.”
“Hey! Bees. There’s more than enough space here for you to get your bees. That was on your dream board.”
It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to be strong anymore. But I’ll choose to be because Derek deserves to be loved the way he loves me. I’m going to spend my life doing exactly that.
