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Every single one of my roommates has a partner, and all I have is stupid anxiety.
aww baby
Derek is my angel. The nurse who’s always there to deal with my stupidity. I hate him seeing me during a meltdown while simultaneously craving his presence. When things get too loud and overwhelming, he’s there. He’s my calm, my anchor, and I’m confident I’m head over heels in love with him.
I ache for that kind of love. For being so close to the other person that I need to find them, even in my sleep.
I’m at a loss for what to do about it because cutting him off when he needs me feels cruel, but continuing the way I have been is wearing on me.
He’s still shaking, still crying, and seeing him like this? It’s a real effort to keep up my professional front when all I want is to pull Xander into my arms.
“Have you forgotten that I was here when those religious missionaries showed up, and you told them that you already signed the contracts for your soul with Satan and that God should have come knocking ten years earlier? Then offered to put them on a waitlist?”
hahahahaah i love aggy
“Aren’t old ladies supposed to be sweet and bake cookies?” “Molly and I are baking cookies later. I happen to be multifaceted.”
hahaa
I wish he’d fight for himself. Maybe it’s a waste of a birthday wish, but it is what it is.
aw
Now, normally, I do my best to be sweet Xander. Like a puppy. Or a kitten. If I’m cute, people will want to keep me. But I never learned how to share as a child, and now, a filthy little gremlin lives inside me. And seeing that man’s hands on Derek? The gremlin is activated.
Because Derek is my real-life Prince Charming. Now, if only he’d do that part where he sweeps me off my feet.
I might not have all the details, but I know enough that the urge to protect Xander never shifts.
And I always make sure I’m available for him. In some ways, I’m enabling him more than his brothers do, but it was never supposed to be this way. It started and then … never stopped.
I’m not that person anymore. Not the boy with the brown hair and gray eyes. Not the unlovable, invisible child.
Hero complex or not, I’m not Xander’s hero. I can’t be.
Derek’s laugh comes free, and it’s so warm and full I want to wrap it around myself and live there.
Having his attention is the single greatest blast of light I’ve felt in a long time, and so I dig deeper.
When I look at Derek, I see a guardian angel. A protector.
Seven is my safety.
This creative, snarky, passionate man deserves so much more than he lets himself have.
Maybe one day, I’ll feel wanted.
I can’t be Xander’s hope. It’s way too much pressure to put on one person. Then, add in that I’m the one he turns to during his panic attacks, and it’s a relationship made in toxic heaven.
“I care, Xander.” My voice lowers. “Too much.”
Something keeps me in that chair though. Something thick, and restricting, and annoying. And almost hopeful.
“Your eyes are gray,”
Ahh hes not using the contacts. Baby is healing
If we’re going to be friends for right now, it’s important to me. I can’t go back to being his carer, not when I look at Xander and everything I want to do to him inundates me.
“He means a lot to you, so one day, he might mean a lot to me.”
“You’re so fucking incredible it kills me.”
All it takes is one word from him. “Please?” He’s worth all that and more. My mouth slams down over his, and it’s exactly what I dreamed it would be.
I’d fucking devour him if I could. Ruin him. Leave him begging for more. Exactly how I will be once this is over.
His stubble scrapes my skin, and I want more. More of his groans, more of his scent, more of the way he touches me. I’ve never felt safety and care like this. Never been so overwhelmingly consumed by another person.
“So everyone thinks you’re annoying and worthless?” “Yup.”
Ugh baby
“It’s true. And one day, I’m determined to make you believe it.”
“I think I should be your best friend instead. I spend more time with you.”
Hhaah xander
I’d wait forever for him.
“Do any of us really exist? There’s a theory that the world ended in 2020, and our consciousness is refusing to let go of existing.”
Probably that could be true
“I was in seventeen different homes.
Damn
She called Seven, and he came and picked me up. He’d found a tiny one-bedroom, and he was working at a fast food place during the day, a bar at night, and building his tattoo portfolio with every spare moment in between. He said that he knew I’d need him and made sure he was ready.”
I love him
“And for what it’s worth, you have the most beautiful fucking eyes I’ve ever seen.”
“But it’s been really fucking hard loving him alone.”
Aww seven
I want to help myself … for me.
Aww baby finally
“Look at me,”
“So. Fucking. Beautiful.”
“I’m always so convinced that people are going to leave me. Maybe it’s time I trusted someone to come back.”
“I’m coming back to you, bug. Always. Don’t forget that.”
“Fuck it.” Derek’s mouth crushes down on mine.
“You know what, Xander? Fuck the rules.”
“They’re yours,” he whispers. “So they’re mine. Did you really think I’d be okay with you moving all the way out here without them?”
I’m liking a lot about myself these days.
Awww baby
