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The blue-haired, anxious ball of snark and sweet passes through my mind, but I push him right out again. I might stay to make sure I’m available for him, but I make it my mission to not think about him unless he’s right in front of me. It’s why I keep so busy.
“I love you, but you’re being shortsighted. Your own damn community has been accused of being predatory for too long and fought too hard against that image for you to play with that man’s job. He’s a gay man in the medical field, and you’re the person he’s treating. What do you think people would say and assume if something happened between you when there’s such a clear imbalance of power?”
“And while that’s one of my favorite things about you, not this time you don’t. I mean it. You’ve had your brain addled by far too many people who should have done right by you, and until you put some effort into fixing the damage they did, you can’t claim to be in your right mind about anything.”
Honestly. Fair.
“Do you know of any with … cage dancing? Or stages? Platforms? That anyone can use?” It’s been a long time since I made a spectacle of myself, so why not now?
OMG DEREK!!!
That’s not supposed to happen. I’m supposed to want sex. I’m supposed to be sexually active and a total deviant and be all nom nom for the cock. I don’t think I’m doing the right kind of gagging over it.
But I never learned how to share as a child, and now, a filthy little gremlin lives inside me. And seeing that man’s hands on Derek? The gremlin is activated. I’ll sooner pull off my Derek’s head than let someone else play with him.
I shift, about to ready myself to leave, when Derek’s big hand circles my wrist. His grip is soft, but his gaze is steady. “Not like a puppy, Xander. You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
“I can’t work out whether it’s a sign of optimism that you think anyone is capable of it or if you devalue yourself and what you do that much.”
The second option sir 🙇🏼♀️🥲
I pushed my luck today, and he one hundred percent let me get away with it. He should never have let that happen because I know me. With every little inch he gives me, I’ll go after two more. I’m greedy when it comes to what I want, and I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want Derek.
“I’m here for you if you need me, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to be friends.”
Okay ouch 🥲🥺
I stand there, and he stands there, and after a moment of soul-searching eye contact, he swallows thickly and walks away. Like everyone always does. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. I’m not.
“Stop trying to act like you actually give a fuck about me. Stop trying to act like you care. I’m a job to you, I get it—message received loud and fucking clear. I won’t bother you with my friendship anymore, and in fact, I’ll stop coming here. You’re not the only nurse in the entire goddamn fucking world.”
“Oh, fuck you too,” he shouts. “You think it’s some secret that you don’t want to be here? You think I don’t know that everyone in the house thinks I’m a giant fucking inconvenience?”
Oh Xander 😭
“Well, you’ve proved that you love him by being here. Now, why don’t you prove you love yourself by letting me help you?” That makes me pause. “But I don’t love myself. No one does. It’s no big deal. I’m not a very nice person.”
🥲🥲
He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be so completely unloved and unwanted that even the sight of you irritates people. Including yourself.
“Want to grab a coffee?” There’s nothing wrong with coffee. Somewhere public. Purely platonic. Everyone likes coffee.
Yeah right
Dr. Sherwin hasn’t even begun to work with me on my weirdness to sex when we have so much else to unpack, like my catastrophizing, anxiety, and apparent OCD—while I repel people, apparently, I collect mental illnesses like trading cards—but apparently, it makes sense. To him. Which, yippee for me. I’ve been neglected so many times, and sexualized so many others, that I need trust before I can go there.
“I’m ninety percent sure one of us is going to hurt ourselves,” I say. He lifts a slight shoulder. “I’m not scared. I don’t think I’ve stopped hurting a day in my life.”
“You’re incredible, Xander.” I slowly look up and find him watching me. Derek’s warm fingers find my cheek like they belong there. “You’re so fucking incredible it kills me.”
“I didn’t get better. Even with meds and psychiatric visits and appointment after appointment with psychologists. They even put me in a goddamn psych ward. When nothing worked, my caseworker stopped fighting it. I was almost eighteen, so it’s not like they could hold me forever. She called Seven, and he came and picked me up. He’d found a tiny one-bedroom, and he was working at a fast food place during the day, a bar at night, and building his tattoo portfolio with every spare moment in between. He said that he knew I’d need him and made sure he was ready.” “I think Seven just became my
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“He started sneaking into my room every night, sitting right at my door, and he’d fall asleep on the floor. He didn’t leave my side during the day. Didn’t say much, and neither did I. I don’t really remember what changed, but one night, he was crying, and I got the urge to hug him, so I did. It was the first time I’d touched someone in years. I think we both needed that hug.”
Fucking tears omggg
Seven swallows loudly and looks over at me. “But it’s been really fucking hard loving him alone.”
“Yeah, I’m going to need you not to talk either. Your voice is way too sexy and should be illegal.” He laughs. “Laughing is also off the table.”
Fuck. Wow. I’m so proud of you. Xander: Thanks. I think … I’m maybe a little proud of me, too.
Okay but him acknowledging that is big 🥹
“Fuck it. Fuck them all. Maybe they find out and I lose my license and do something else. Maybe I quit. Maybe I … I don’t know. All I know is that not being with you doesn’t make sense. If I’m fined or stripped of my license … I’ll figure it out. I love you, Xander. And the fact I had to be away from you for so fucking long doesn’t make sense. I want to make you happy. That’s it. That’s top of my dream board.”
“Let’s call that plan B. For now, tell me you’ll be mine, and we’re good.” “I’m yours. I’ve always been yours. I can’t believe you finally caught up.”
“Yeah. Or we make the main house big enough for all of us—I’m easy either way. I know Molly wants lots of kids, and you’re not a big child person, so the two houses might be …” He trails off. “Are you okay?”
It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to be strong anymore. But I’ll choose to be because Derek deserves to be loved the way he loves me. I’m going to spend my life doing exactly that.
“I think it’s finally sinking in how loved you are.” “Yeah …” It’s a confusing feeling. “Maybe.”
Derek tilts my face up toward his. “And your hair looks so fucking good brown.”
Omgg 😭
