That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

“I’ll be your lifejacket.” That’s what he’d said. I don’t think he knows how often he’s been carrying me to shore lately.

I want to tell someone - anyone, that it’s both memories of your past and your future you see. Do people already know that?

“I wish it had been you. I wish you had died instead of him.”

Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been.

“And I needed them to call someone who wouldn’t care if I lived or died.”

thinks. I want to ask him if three years has been enough - if I’ve punished myself enough.

“Would it really be so bad if you got what you wished for?”

“I wanted to die because I miss him too damn much to keep living. And really, I don’t deserve to be here anyway. I punish myself day in and day out because I fucked up. I cost Cooper his life. Me.”

Fuck this entire day. Fuck Caiden. Fuck truck drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck me and fuck Cooper for dying. Just fuck it all to hell.

Is that it Jamie, do you want to fuck me and pretend I’m Cooper?”

holy shit.

“You’re scared, I get that, so am I. You’ve turned everything upside down and I barely understand myself at the moment, but I do know this. I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”

“The tables have turned, you’re the one with your life together and I’m the huge fucking mess. Who’d have thought it?”

“Well then we can be broken together. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think either of us are broken. You said it yourself, I’m not damaged and I'm saying, neither are you. We’re human. It’s okay to be scared, Jay.”

“Love isn’t a finite, tangible thing that we give away once and then it’s gone. It’s infinite and renewable and available in abundance. And it is scary because we don’t know what’s around the corner, but you can’t let fear hold you back.”

“I love you. I can’t promise you forever, because we both know that’s not a promise anyone can make. But I can promise you every breath and every beat of my heart.”