That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

Laughter. A smile I love more than anything. Bright lights. A truck horn. Screaming. Smash. Glass shattering. Pain.

Darkness settles in behind my closed eyelids, but I smile because it's in this moment somewhere between this world and the parallel that exists, that I see him. He looks at me with love in his eyes when he whispers that everything will be okay.

There is one person for us - one person who holds the key to our heart and soul.

Green like a forest in winter where only shards of sun get through

Lightning hits me right in the solar plexus, my heart skips a beat, colours become brighter and sounds sharper as my eyes land on one of the

men standing in the entrance hall. He’s all I can see, everyone else completely inconsequential in this moment as my heart whispers one word - soulmate. I am in so much fucking trouble.

His hand in mine fits like a puzzle piece slotting into place and I have to clear my throat before I can get any words out.

They are a contradiction. One light, the other dark. Identical twins. Only not.

He smells like vanilla and sandalwood, reminding me of cold drinks on a sunny day.

He is polished silver, and glittering gold, and the rarest diamond all rolled into one pale skinned, dark haired temptation.

He is without a doubt, the most spectacular specimen of a human I have ever met.

He’d be just as beautiful as his brother, I think to myself, if he wasn’t so fucking angry all the time.

Nothing has ever

felt as powerful, as life-affirming, as fucking magical as this kiss. If I was head over heels for the guy before, I have no chance of ever standing on my own two feet again.

Jamie, who I want to hate because Cooper loves him and he loves Cooper, and no one loves me.

I don’t even like myself very much.

“I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like

there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”

“I’ll be your lifejacket. I’ll always save you, Caiden. Always.”

I’m so lucky I was born with my best friend,”

How poetic, how tragic, how devastatingly beautiful that we entered this world together and now I’ll leave it with him by my side too.

“Look for me in the stars.”

I think I’m smiling and I’m okay, because even though it’s dark and I never got to do all the things I wanted to, I can see Caiden and Jamie in a sea of light and they’re all I ever needed. And I’ll find them in the stars one day.

I lived, but he took me with him and all that’s left is this empty shell and a heart that shattered into a million pieces.

Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong

enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been. I sip at

“You’re scared, I get that, so am I. You’ve turned everything upside down and I barely understand myself at the moment, but I do know this. I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”

It was there in the tiny pitter patters of my heart that beat outside of my love for Cooper.

What I want - who I want - is hours away, in our home town, with a family and a life I could be a part of. Jamie has said it time and time again, that they want me there. The only thing stopping me is…me. I am the barrier to all the good things that I could have in my life.

“You looked at Cooper like he handed you the sun everytime he smiled. You glowed, like the love you had for him couldn't be contained.”

I’ve thought about this moment, and in my head, Caiden throws his arms around me and we kiss and he tells me how much he’s missed me. He says he’s sorry he ignored me and we hold each other and everything feels right again like it did all those days we spent in his bed together.

He invades all my senses, and I can't stop myself. I want him. More than I want my next breath of Jamie scented air.

Why did it have to be this man? Why did my stupid heart have to trip and land in his hands?

I don’t say the words out loud but in my mind, I think them. I adore this man. He is the glow of the sun pushing through all my darkest clouds.

My eyes sting and I blink up at the ceiling while Caiden’s lips press to the skin at my neck, bringing me a quiet comfort. I’ve tried not to think about Cooper’s last moments, content in knowing he wasn’t alone when he died, but there is something cathartic about knowing he was thinking of me. It’s like those few words heal a wound that night left on my soul, and I hug Caiden tighter for giving me this. I don’t think he knows just how much he gives me by being back in my life.

“It’s a star. You bought me a star.” Wetness leaks from my eyes and I rub it away before it has a chance to drip onto the star registry certificate. “A star called Cooper.” I take out the certificate and beneath it is a map, with details on the location of my star and how to find it.

“You, Caiden Carrington, are the best gift I never even knew to wish for,” Jamie says, a warm, tender, peaceful calm washing over me like a wave brushing the shore.

“I love you. I can’t promise you forever, because we both know that’s not a promise anyone can make. But I can promise you every breath and every beat of my heart.”

I close the gap and kiss him on the stroke of midnight as glittery streamers rain down on us. He kisses me back and we lose the first minute of the new year in each other’s arms and I fall even deeper in love with him as every second passes.

“What if I was made to love you both? At different times and in different ways. What if everything we’ve done and been through since the day we met was to bring us to right here, to this moment where I love you more than anything and you love me in return?” He tries to lift my face again but I pull out of his hold, putting an ocean of distance between us.

“Every breath and every heartbeat, remember?”

“I loved you, Cooper. The moment I saw you, I knew it. I wanted….I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to marry you and wake up next to you every day. I had all these plans for us. Always and forever - that’s what we said. I never considered that we wouldn’t get forever, but then you were gone and just like that our future ended. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry my love wasn’t enough to keep you here, I wanted it to be. Oh God Cooper, I wanted it to be enough to save you.”

“I saw the way you loved him, so I’m choosing to believe that you would be happy for us. I choose to look at the stars and know you’re smiling down at us, rooting for us.”

“He’s perfect and I’m going to love him the way he should be loved. I’ll love him for both of us and I’ll never let him feel alone.”

“You’ll always be my brother, my friend, and my first love. I’ll never forget you, Cooper. I hope wherever you are, that you’re at peace and happy.”

“While he may have once been my world, you are my entire universe. You are the sun, and the moon, and every cosmic space between. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and the greatest love I have ever known.”