That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

There is one person for us - one person who holds the key to our heart and soul. Call me an old romantic but that’s what I believe. None of the men she’s met before or even my dad have been that person for her, but he’s out there the same way my person is. Is it ridiculous for a twenty-one year old to believe in a one true love? Maybe. Do I care? Not particularly.

They are a contradiction. One light, the other dark. Identical twins. Only not.

“I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”

“I’ll be your lifejacket. I’ll always save you, Caiden. Always.”

Despite the fear, and the soul crushing knowledge that I am not walking away from this, I smile. Because Caiden’s here with me. How poetic, how tragic, how devastatingly beautiful that we entered this world together and now I’ll leave it with him by my side too.

My eyes open briefly and I gaze into the matching blue eyes of my twin. There are a thousand things I want to say to him. A thousand promises and wishes and dreams I want him to know but my tongue is heavy and my words are dwindling to a few. It’s like I held a million words inside and now, as everything in me starts to settle and this calmness blankets me, there’s only a few left. I need to make them meaningful.

“Look for me in the stars.” His face crumples, devastation written in every line and dip and he cries, his sorrow reaching high into the night sky.

“I’m going to marry you one day, Cooper Carrington. I’m going to put a ring on your finger, build you a house and then love you forever.” His smile is bright and his eyes are warm. “I’m going to hold you to that,” he says. “And best start saving, I need a big ring and a huge wedding.”

Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been.

“Look for me in the stars,” I say under my breath, soft enough for only him to hear. Jamie shifts, smiling at me with dark, wet lashes. “Now you know where to look, so you can always find him.”

“You couldn’t say goodbye. You held on to this and Cooper held on to your heart.” I shove the ring into his chest, letting it drop when I pull my hand away and push past him. “I wanted your heart, Jamie. I wanted you to love me the way you loved him. No! Fuck it. I wanted you to love me more than you loved him.”