That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

Fuck this entire day. Fuck Caiden. Fuck truck drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck me and fuck Cooper for dying. Just fuck it all to hell.

I remind myself every morning that I was blessed to have survived - lucky that nurse had said - and so I put all my energy into living. Isn’t that what those of us left behind should do? Live. Be happy.

Absentmindedly, I run my hand over my bracelet, feeling the cool metal as it rubs along my skin. Blue like my eyes, black like my hair. Chosen by Jamie. For me.

Not with Darius. No lies, no pushing him away, no walls. Not that he’d let me get away with the shit I used to pull anyway. The five foot seven blond twink with a sharp tongue has a built in bullshit detector. He's fearless. I'm not.

In truth, we never really were. It was Cooper that held us together, and without Cooper here….well, Jamie and Caiden do not exist.

I take a step forward, closing the space between us, fuelled on by a thousand warring emotions. I am a wild fire, blazing a trail through the forest, wiping out everything in its path. I burn hot and I burn fast and I do it without a second thought.

“Are you going to be okay alone?” “Yeah, Jamie. I’ll be fine. I’m not your problem to worry about.” Please don’t go. Say you came here for me. Please.

He looks at me then and smiles. And fuck me, it’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. I want to kiss him.

Even when I first met him, I thought he was handsome. But when he smiles and it's aimed at me? Breathtaking.

“Cooper died and we didn’t, but we’ve both been living like we never walked away from that crash, wasting the days that followed. We’ve been surviving but not living. You told me that this isn’t what Cooper would have wanted for me but do you ever think it’s not what he would have wanted for you?”

“You’re scared, I get that, so am I. You’ve turned everything upside down and I barely understand myself at the moment, but I do know this. I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”

“Tell me you missed me,” he says. “Tell me you wanted to see me, even if it’s a lie.” “It wouldn’t be a lie.” Tilting my head, I ghost my lips over his. “I missed you. I want you.” My lips press roughly to his. “I’ve never wanted someone so badly.”

Caiden rests his forehead against mine. “Do you think we could be something good?” I kiss him. Hard. Hoping the kiss is enough to tell him just how good I think we can be.

I adore this man. He is the glow of the sun pushing through all my darkest clouds.

“Well then we can be broken together. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think either of us are broken. You said it yourself, I’m not damaged and I'm saying, neither are you. We’re human. It’s okay to be scared, Jay.”

“Love isn’t a finite, tangible thing that we give away once and then it’s gone. It’s infinite and renewable and available in abundance. And it is scary because we don’t know what’s around the corner, but you can’t let fear hold you back.”

“Look for me in the stars,” I say under my breath, soft enough for only him to hear. Jamie shifts, smiling at me with dark, wet lashes. “Now you know where to look, so you can always find him.”

“You, Caiden Carrington, are the best gift I never even knew to wish for,”

This is us living, this is us taking back what fate stole. This is us. Jamie and Caiden.

“I love you. I can’t promise you forever, because we both know that’s not a promise anyone can make. But I can promise you every breath and every beat of my heart.”

“I wanted your heart, Jamie. I wanted you to love me the way you loved him. No! Fuck it. I wanted you to love me more than you loved him.” “I do,” Jamie cries. “I love you so much, in ways I never loved Cooper.”

“Every breath and every heartbeat, remember?”

“While he may have once been my world, you are my entire universe. You are the sun, and the moon, and every cosmic space between. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and the greatest love I have ever known.”

“I can’t promise I won’t try to push you away when I get upset, but I promise to let you scale the walls I put up. I love you, Jamie.” “You couldn’t put up a wall big enough to keep me out. You’re stuck with me now.”