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If you’ve ever felt alone. If you’ve ever felt unseen. If you’ve ever screamed into the void and not been heard. If you’ve wished for things you felt you didn’t deserve. This one’s for you.
“But she has a son who is….” He’s what? Annoying? Charming? Stupidly attached to my twin? So intriguing and gorgeous, I want to hate him because that’s the safest reaction?
Caiden’s laugh is loud and foreign to my ears and I realise it’s the first time since we met that I’ve seen him even remotely happy. He’d be just as beautiful as his brother, I think to myself, if he wasn’t so fucking angry all the time.
“Roger got tickets to see a Pink Floyd cover band and they’re incredible. I didn’t want to miss it. Next week, okay?” Next week won’t be my birthday.
“God, no need to get snippy, Caidy, it was just dinner.” It was my birthday dinner. It wasn’t just any dinner.
“I hope that’s where we go when we die,” Cooper says, his voice full of wonder. “It would mean that we get to look down on everyone we leave behind and they would always look up at us too. Because who doesn’t stop to look at the stars?”
Jamie, who I want to hate because Cooper loves him and he loves Cooper, and no one loves me.
“I didn’t want him to touch me,”
“I just wanted Mum to have dinner with me.”
“I wish I was more like Cooper.”
“I wish someone loved me like Jamie l...
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“I didn’t want him to touch me,”
“I begged him to stop. Why didn’t he stop?”
“And Mum didn’t come, I just wanted to have dinner with her for my birthday.”
“I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”
“I’ll be your lifejacket. I’ll always save you, Caiden. Always.”
“You’re my best friend, Coop,”
“And you’re mine. I’m so lucky I was born with my best friend,”
“I know that every time she lets me down, I let you down and that’s not fair. It’s not really fair to either of us.”
I’ve been jealous of Cooper and Jamie. Not because I was losing my twin and not because I so badly want someone to love me the way Jamie loves Cooper. No, I don't want just anyone to love me like that - I want it to be Jamie.
Jamie laughs louder, his head turned to face Cooper, and Cooper briefly takes his eyes off the road to smile at Jamie. And that’s all it takes. That one moment.
“Look for me in the stars.”
“Tell Jamie…tell Jamie, always.”
“I love you,” I say in the tiniest whisper. “Cooper!” he yells. “Open your eyes Coop, please, please open them. Don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. Please. I love you. I need you.”
I can see Caiden and Jamie in a sea of light and they’re all I ever needed. And I’ll find them in the stars one day.
The last time I saw him, he smiled at me. And now, I’ll never see that smile again.
“I love you, Jamie. I’m so glad you’re mine.”
Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been.
won’t try to pretend I know what brought you to that place, nor will I say that now everything will be okay. There isn’t some magical cure to make things better as soon as you walk out these doors. But I will say that by speaking to someone, and with the right medication, there is a chance that things will feel brighter eventually.”
Fuck this entire day. Fuck Caiden. Fuck truck drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck me and fuck Cooper for dying. Just fuck it all to hell.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”
“Why do you… you….keep,”
“apologi...
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“Because. Because you didn’t deserve any of it.”
“I did. I did. I was bad, I messed up.”
“No. You’re so fucking good.”
Please don’t go. Say you came here for me. Please.
“Cade babe, whoever this guy is, total golden-retriever-with-rabies vibe. I approve.”
“Cooper died and we didn’t, but we’ve both been living like we never walked away from that crash, wasting the days that followed. We’ve been surviving but not living. You told me that this isn’t what Cooper would have wanted for me but do you ever think it’s not what he would have wanted for you?”
“All the time,”
“Maybe it’s time to start actually living, Jamie.”
“I will, if you will. And we’ll do it for us. Not for anyone else.”
“What if she can’t help me? What if I always have these times where I feel like I’m drowning and nothing helps except….”
“Is that how you feel?” Jamie asks and I nod again, looking over his shoulder. “Is that why you hurt yourself?”
“You tell her that. And if she can’t help you, we’ll find someone who can.”
“Would you let me fuck you?”
“I’d let you do anything to me, sunshine,”
“I don’t want you to be anyone but you, Caiden. I know you’re having a hard time believing that but it’s true. Just be my pain in the ass stepbrother, with a bad attitude and terrible taste in music.”
“You’re scared, I get that, so am I. You’ve turned everything upside down and I barely understand myself at the moment, but I do know this. I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”
“You’re not damaged.”
