Crash Test

by Amy James

They only want family inside. I’m the one who woke up next to him this morning. I’m the one who made him his coffee. I’m the one who wished him luck on his race, the one who kissed him and tried to work up the nerve to tell him I love him before chickening out for the hundredth time. But I’m not family. And so, while he dies behind frosted glass walls, I lock myself in the first bathroom I can find and cry until I’m sick.

He was every fantasy I’d never let myself have, wrapped up in dirty blond hair and gray eyes and strong forearms.

His face split into a grin when he saw me, and I think right there and then he had me for good.

If I’m honest, I think I fell in love with him that week. It sounds stupid, I know. But being with Jacob . . . it was like coming alive.

There’s a horrible pain in my chest. Heartbreak, I understand the word now. My heart actually does feel broken. My whole body feels broken.

I wish someone had warned me that breakups were like this. It isn’t something that happens to you once. It’s something that happens over and over again every time you have to explain it, and it’s just as painful every time.

“I’m not mad at you,” I said. “I can’t share you, though.” He shook his head roughly. “No sharing. All yours.”

“There’s nothing you can do to make things better,” he says. “Every week will just get a little less shit, until one day you wake up and you don’t remember quite what the pain felt like.”

If you want something, and it’s within the realms of reality that you can get it, then you need to do something about it.

My first thought when I read her message was, I can’t, I’m not single. My next thought was Fuck.

I was sitting across from this pretty, interesting, perfectly dateable girl, and all I could think of was Travis. Alone in his hotel room, being sad about me. I had all the power in our relationship, and I was using it to hurt him.

I don’t know how I’d ever tried to convince myself this was a casual thing. It wasn’t casual, the way that he looked at me. It wasn’t casual, the way I felt when he looked at me.

I didn’t want to break up with him. I wanted to be the guy he was in love with. I wanted him to love me, and I wanted to never have to say it back.

I would tell him, I decided, with a surge of reckless bravery. When he said it again, I would say it back. I mouthed the words against his T-shirt, practicing. I love you. I’m in love with you.

I know I still love him. I do know that. But I guess it doesn’t matter, now.

“If you wait for everything in your life to be perfect before you take action, then you’ll be waiting forever. If you want something, and it’s within the realms of reality that you can get it . . .” “You need to do something,” I mutter. “You’re really proud of that one, aren’t you?” “Definitely.” She smiles. “I think it’s a new classic.”

People just aren’t meant to live with their parents after high school.

Lolololololollllllll can't relate unfortunately

I didn’t realize how lonely my life was until I met you.” Jacob looks at his feet. “You had a great life.” “Yeah, I did,” I agree. “But I didn’t have anyone to share it with.”