Holding the Reins (Silver Pines Ranch, #1)

by Paisley Hope

Of two things, I’m absolutely certain. 1. Whatever is happening between us, we haven’t just crossed the boundary of “one night, just sex,” we’ve obliterated it. There may as well have not even been a line in the sand to begin with. 2. Right here on the shore with CeCe in this simple moment, I know I want more moments like this with her. I want to be there for more firsts and I want

her—not just for one night, and not in secret. I think I want her for as long as she’ll have me. The thought causes my heart to beat faster and fucking terrifies me all at the same time.

“Well, if I’m being honest, the only nights I’ve slept long stretches without dreaming, you’ve been in the bed beside me.” My mouth falls open at his admission but he just smiles. “Care to make a habit out of that? As a science experiment?” I laugh and shrug. “Well, if it’s for science…”

“I really am sick of pretending I don’t want you every second of fucking every day, CeCe.”

This has gone way beyond fucking. I settle into the reality that I just made love to Cecilia Ashby and I’ve never felt more whole than I do right now.

“Nah Rae, you just have to exist and I just have to be conscious. It’s just the way it is. I’ve come to terms with it.” I giggle again as he kisses

We all know that Nash has never let anyone inside his thorny fortress, until you waltzed your ass back into town. You don’t see the way he looks at you, CeCe. He doesn’t look at you like you’re a fling. He looks at you like you’re his endgame. Also, people who are just having sex don’t have arguments, just saying.

She gives me her smug all-knowing grin. “The boys may not notice it, but I do. You’re with him every moment you aren’t here, aren’t you?” I can’t lie to most people but I especially can’t lie to my observant Mama, plus I need her advice.

“God dammit, I think I love him, Mama. And I have no fucking clue what to do about it.” “I know, baby.” She pats my hand gently. “Do you just know everything?” “Mostly, yes.” Mama grins and her eyes crinkle in the corners. “Well what do you think you should do about it?” she asks “Nothing.”

“I’m sorry I had a temper tantrum. But to answer your question, what you look like, little firefly, is fucking mine. And I protect what’s mine,” I rasp in her ear.

I love this woman. I love this woman like I’ve never loved anyone or anything. I love her more than the sun on my face rising over the mountain, the feel of fresh ice under my skates, or hoisting that cup over my head. I love my little firefly like I have no other option, and the truth is maybe I never have.

“I’m really fucking hung up on you, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m having a hard time living without you, which is why I stalked here like a beast when you didn’t answer me.”

“Good thing you came to your senses. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m hanging right there beside you,”

“No, you know what? I’ll be the first to say it, I broke the rules. I fell in love with you, like an idiot.” I’m yelling now. “I love you so much it consumes me. But I want it all. I want you, in every way, and if you don’t want me like that, then we’re done. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you but I did and I’m not afraid to admit it, and that’s all there is to it.”

“CeCe…this is happening so fast. I—I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. The way I feel about you, I never—” I sigh and look up at him, tears spilling over my cheeks with my broken heart pooling in my chest. “Go home, Nash. I guess I want what you can’t give me and I’ll never chase you.” He wipes a tear from my cheek. “Please don’t cry…fuck. I just need—” “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll never expect you to be someone you’re just not,” I say, a sugary sweet and evil tone coats my words.

“What if I do love you? What if I am so fucking in love with you there are moments I can’t see straight? But what if one day, it’s just over? If it just disappears? I’ll lose everything, not just you, CeCe. I’ll lose my family. All fucking over again.” I smile through my tears and start laughing. “That’s the thing about love, Nash. There are no guarantees, it can be here one day and the next, it can all go up in smoke. You can’t control it. You can’t foresee it, you just have to decide if you can have enough faith to trust it, if the life we could have in between is worth the fear of losing it. I’m going to Seattle, maybe you should take the next few days to figure out what you want, and when I get home you can tell me what this is.” He looks at me pleading, and I see the love in his eyes but I also see how fucking terrified he is to give into it, which just isn’t good enough for me. “Now, you need to go. I have to finish packing.”

My first mistake was falling for him. My second was expecting him to be something he’s not.

I love you all, you’re my family, and fuck, I love that beautiful, spark of a woman who lights me up like a firefly in the night more than anyone or anything. It’s important to me you understand my intentions. I’m going to Seattle. I’m done leaving CeCe on her own. She’ll never face anything on her own ever again. I don’t trust that Andrew fucker for one second. I can’t explain it, but my gut is telling me something is off about this whole trip.”

“We’re not a phase. We’re the exact opposite of a phase. You’re my always. I fucking love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in this life and I came here to make sure you knew it. Following you across the country is nothing. I’m going to follow you everywhere you go for the rest of this life. And then, I’m going to follow you into the next.”

“I don’t need any time, little firefly. I want it all. I want the birthdays, the babies, the holidays, the lazy Sunday mornings making pancakes for our kids. I want to be their hockey coach, fish with them in the creek, and I want to complain when you ask me to clean out the garage and fix the leaky faucet. I want to sit on the porch with you and drink coffee every fucking morning. CeCe, I want a life with you. One I’m fucking terrified to lose.”

“I love you, my little firefly, my little ray of sun.” His thumb traces my cheek as I kiss him, picturing all the beautiful things he just filled my head with as tears roll down my cheeks.

“Cecilia Rae, you have my word. I will never, ever let you down again. Now, let me touch what’s mine before I involuntarily blow in my fucking boxers.”

“You’re the queen I crawl to. I’ll kneel at your feet for the rest of my fucking life. Now, sit on your throne.”

“Come, little queen, soak my face. Baptize me…and then, I’ll fuck you like the king that owns this pussy.”

“A wise man once told me to settle down, find a woman to share my life with, to love. That man, of course, was one of the greatest men I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, your dad. Now, I want you to know I didn’t forget him. I went to him, to his grave, and told him my intentions, I told him that I love his only daughter more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone in my life, and that if he gave me his blessing, I would love her with my whole heart every day until death took me. And even then, I’d move on to the next life and find her there, because a love like ours isn’t limited by space or time. It’s eternal.” He cups my face with his hand and tilts my chin. “It’s infinite,” Nash whispers as he kisses my lips.

“When I finished my conversation with him, it started to rain and I felt like it was him giving me his blessing. What do you say, little firefly? Will you get lost in the shuffle of this world with me, forever? Will you give me all of your smiles and all your tears? Will you let me make sure you have your coffee every morning and my arms around you every night? Will you let me love you with everything in me for the rest of this life and the next?” Nash pulls a robin egg blue, velvet box from his suit jacket and opens it up, dropping to one knee before me. “I told you I’d kneel for you forever. It would be my greatest joy to be your husband. Will you marry me, baby?”