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WHEN MY friend Don suggested we go on a trip to the South Seas together, and offered to pay for the whole thing, I thought, Fine, but what’s in it for me?
I don’t really like the tropics. The last time I went to the Caribbean I wound up in a bongo factory, forced to make bongos.
I was making good progress on my novel, Muscular Angry Clown. It’s about a well-built circus clown with a hot temper. I was at the part where he breaks the neck of the evil lion tamer.
That was when I pretended something was wrong with the phone and hung up. When Don called back I used my Chinese voice and said, “He no here!”
A squirrel stared at me. I looked away, but when I looked back he was still staring.
WHEN YOU have a real treasure map in your hand, all sorts of thoughts go through your head. The first is, Don’t lose the map. The second is, Hey, what happened to the map? The third is, Oh, yeah, I gave it to Don. The fourth is, Hey, where’d Don go? The fifth is, Oh, there he is.
BY THE time we started to land, I had changed my nickname back to “Wrong Way Slurps.” It just hits the ear better.
She was hypnotizing, and not in a way that makes you quit smoking.
He started asking me all sorts of questions about the supplies. What kind did I get? How much did they cost? On and on. Finally I had to confess I got mixed up and spent most of the money on prostitutes. He was furious. He said it was like I had robbed him. “Maybe,” I said, “but the prostitutes robbed me.”
Don was really starting to make me mad. But I decided to channel my anger. And by channeling, I mean combining it with drinking.
For a while I wanted to become a naturalist, until I found out it wasn’t what I thought. They wear clothes.
What was her name again? It was something like “Snargaret.”
That’s when I came up with the idea for the voodoo doll with interchangeable heads, so you don’t have to get a new doll every time you want to put a curse on somebody.
His movements were elegant and refined, like some evil shit-bird from Hell.
Oh, a “lecture.” I guess that was his word for insane rant.
Doctor Ponzari was clearly evil, but when I saw him playing catch with his son, I thought, What a spaz.
A skeleton is more afraid of you than you are of him.
If Superman ever visited Tarzan, at first they’d get along, but then Superman would finally have to say, “How can you live like this?”
Street signs would work better if they added the words You Idiot. For instance, instead of just Stop, the sign says Stop, You Idiot.
Humans are evolving into a higher form and a lower form at the same time. Confused? Then guess which one you are.
Lying loose on the window seats were brackets and matching curtain rods. I assumed the clamps were used to suspend people while experiments were done on them. I shudder to think what the curtain rods were for.
We came to a sign floating on a buoy. The words on the sign would give a chill to any sane man: Entering National Park.
I have to admit, the ruins were impressive. But like so many civilizations, they forgot the one rule that might have saved them: don’t let vines grow all over you.
“I’ve always wanted a big top hat with a little cannon that would come out, fire, then go back in the hat.”
I cried out for help, in a fierce, manly way.
It took Don about an hour to get me out of the net. I was wrapped up tight, like a juicy ham.
That’s when I spied the most horrible creature I’d ever seen (after Don’s mother).
What were we going to do with all those leftovers? The problem with turtle man is there’s so much of him. I could make a casserole, if I knew how to make a casserole.
That’s when it hit me: laughs. Women love a man who makes them laugh! And what’s the one thing that makes women laugh? Puppets.
What was wrong with her? Was she crazy? A pretty girl who was also crazy was something I’d never heard of.
I was on a crashing airplane. The old man next to me was praying. Down and down we went. I started hitting the old man with a rolled-up magazine, yelling, “Pray harder, old man!”
I became a mummy, driving a car. And I thought, Why am I driving a car? Then I understood: I was plowing down pedestrians.
I did what I always do whenever someone wants me to sign a clipboard: I ran.
I thought about the pilot’s wife. Each night when he came home, she would be waiting for him at the door with a rolling pin. He had a bad marriage.
If you get hungry enough, believe me, you will eat bugs. My friend Jerry found that out the hard way. He was slow getting the snacks out for a party once and we ate his butterfly collection.
Is it wrong to lie because you’re planning to steal something? That’s a question probably only the philosophers can answer.
We tied the boat to a crude dock that looked like it had been built by ancient, primitive people, or by the Hawaiian Park Service.
Here’s my question: Why are there so many ants, but not that many anteaters? Nice job, Evolution.
I had an orgasm in my pants.
They seemed to have a certain glow about them—the glow that comes from porking.
Find a big rock stuck in the ground. Convince Don we need to move it. Don wrenches his back trying to lift it. We go back home, where he gets hooked on pain pills. He robs a drugstore to get more pain pills, and during the robbery shoots himself in the foot and needs even more pain pills. He overdoses and is rushed to the hospital. On the way, the ambulance is involved in a wreck, and Don wrenches his back even worse. He is able to flag down a cab. The cab driver has back problems, and when he sees Don he thinks Don is making fun of him, and shoots him.
THE PLAN I finally decided on was complex. But also, in a way, it was simple: I would hit Don over the head with a frying pan.
and hit another man right on the tailbone. “AGGGHHH! MY COCCYX!” he wailed, arching his back.
As I ran, I tried to help out where I could. I helped an old man in a wheelchair get out of my way and into a ditch, where he’d be safe. I helped some people carry some things out of a store.
